Craggy Island

Blogging again

2009-10-31T13:52:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the long radio silence. I'm moving house... so although I now feel that there are things I want to blog about again and that might be worth someone else reading (though only 'might'), I may not have much time.

But I thought I should draw this to the attention of anyone who might still be listening...

As much as I harbour doubts about Guantanamo, we in the West are in a fight with an enemy that knows no boundaries to what it will do to destroy us and our freedoms. A real challenge to anyone who is a liberal (and by that, I mean liberal rather than socialist - Sunny Hoondal take note) - do we stick rigidly to our principles, or compromise ourselves (and perhaps sacifice others' lives as a result)? I don't think the answer to this one is easy...

Oh dear, did I mispell his name? Drat! ;-)

Of McBride & Other Morons...

2009-04-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

Mrs Brennan is studying Eugenics at the moment. Fascinating stuff - and it made me aware of the cultural influence against Eugenics to which I have been subjected. My immediate reaction was along the lines of, 'Hitler was into that, it's been associated with racism....'. And nerds like me have, of course, seen Gattaca, which was quite scary - because genes are only part of the story, and can never be used to predict what a person is.

Except intelligence is highly genetic... and, in practice, a combination of genetically-inherited idiocy and an upbringing by parental idiots seems to be a strong predictor of who provides the 'entertainment' for the police on a Friday and Saturday night...

Anyway... It turns out that 'moron', 'imbecile' and 'idiot' are technical terms, with specific meanings attached to each:

An idiot has an IQ of 0-25.
An imbecile has an IQ of 26-50.
Whilst a moron has an IQ of 51-75 (though some say up to 80). Apparently, these were considered the most dangerous, as they were more likely than idiots and imbeciles to reproduce, and thus damage the gene pool (see Inspector Gadget blog - including the link above - to see the results of state-sponsorship for morons...).

Well, the events of this joyous Easter weekend got me thinking about how we might modernise these terms, which have simply, of course, become random terms of abuse today...

A 'Draper' could be used instead of 'idiot' - quite simply because everyone can see that this is exactly what he is.
A 'McBride' could be an 'imbecile' - because he's not quite so obviously stupid, until, that is, he uses a No.10 computer / internet link to send defamatory emails to fellow McBrides and Drapers.
And a 'Toynbee' could be used as the modern term for 'moron' - because Toynbees are the most dangerous, getting widespread coverage on the BBC and in moronic 'newspapers' for her equally moronic views, and therefore risking severe mental damage to the wider population.

Australian PM Rudd takes lead in new fiscal stimulus

2009-04-04T06:59:00.000-07:00

Following this week's G20 meeting, Australian PM Kevin Rudd has already shown his willingness to follow Gordon Brown's lead in stimulating the economy by throwing mobile phones and other objects at his staff, requiring the purchase of their replacement, thereby providing a much-needed demand boost to the economy.

Mr Rudd's new spokesman, Alastair Campbell, pointed out that, 'Throwing items such as mobile phones and chairs at civil servants is just Kevin's way of joking around. And even if they did require counselling afterwards, that will also help stimulate the economy.

'If you report anything other than this official line, you'll end up like David Kelly.'

Reports from ex-staffers that Mr Rudd's behaviour could be explained by the fact that he had caught a rare virus from Mr Brown - who has exhibited behaviours similar to those of Mr Rudd, including telephoning officials at all times of the night and having violent temper tantrums, as well as throwing objects at people - known as socialistus mentalis psycho-sociopathus (SMPS) were dismissed by Mr Campbell, who pointed out that, 'I'm a pretty sane kind of guy, and I'm sure I would have noticed any abnormal behaviour on the part of Kevin, or, indeed, Gordon, who is, of course, one of my closest friends.'

Denying reports that he had deliberately passed on the SMPS virus to Mr Rudd, Gordon Brown said, 'We announced at the G20 that we would launch a fiscal stimulus, and Kevin Rudd is doing just that. The fact that Kevin Rudd is following the lead taken by the Labour Government in Great Britain just goes to show how far the do-nothing-Tories are outside the consensus of world opinion in dealing with the downturn.

'With the leaders of all G20 countries following my lead and breaking mobile phones, computer keyboards and chairs at least once a day, we will soon reach the $1.1 trillion stimulus promised in London on Thursday.'

Shares of Nokia, Motorola and LG rose sharply in trading today, following Mr Brown's comments.

Medical note: The SMPS virus

The SMPS virus is normally transmitted sexually, usually through unprotected anal intercourse. However, it can also (rarely) be transmitted via contaminated toilet seats. Mr Rudd is known to partake of an unusual practice, known as 'driving the porcelain bus' on occasions, usually after eating food at sporting events. It is possible he could have caught the SMPS virus after sharing a bathroom with Mr Brown at the G20 event.

NHS to offer new 'Polly Pill'

2009-04-01T14:03:00.000-07:00

Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced today that the new Polly Pill, revealed 'exclusively' on the Al-Jabeeba website this week, will be made available immediately on the NHS, on a compulsory basis, to all ~~voters~~ citizens, despite concerns about side-effects.

The ~~Chancellor~~ One-eyed Scottish ~~cunt~~ Prime Minister said, '~~Ve have been looking for vays of making you pork~~, I mean, we have been looking for ways to neutralise opposition and ensure the re-election of a ~~National Socialist~~ Labour government, and this is perfect. It will ~~not~~ benefit hard-working families throughout ~~the Socialist Republic of Scotland~~ the UK.

Named after legendary Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee, once the new Polly Pill has been taken, the patient immediately begins to spout ~~left-wing bollocks~~ reasonable, 'liberal' views, and will immediately believe everything that Gordon Brown says, including the ~~delusion~~ obvious point that he is the Saviour of the World, John the Baptist to Barack Obama's Jesus.

Concerns about side-effects - including allegations of the development of SHS (Severe Hypocrisy Syndrome), usually involving earning large sums of money for writing bollocks whilst pretending to represent 'the poor', and taking regular flights to a second home abroad whilst condemning those who fly abroad for their one holiday a year for causing global warming - have been dismissed by those close to the Prime Minister, who point out that the Polly Pill is believed to reduce the incidence of Conservative voting by as much as 50%, and that, therefore, the benefits hugely outweigh any risks.

Oscar the Grouch

2009-03-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

Because one of the posters on BoingBoing (see my previous post) had referenced Oscar the Grouch, I Googled him. And found this, courtesy of nufo42 on YouTube...

Well, it made me laugh...

Now if only all welfare twats that mooch off others could 'get no pussy', then the world would be a much better place...

Anti-Terror Billboard

2009-03-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the lack of posts lately - life has been somewhat hectic as of late.

Hopefully will have time to post later today or tomorrow. In the meantime, courtesy of Dungeekin and James Holden, I've made my own version of the latest scary adverts put out by what purports to be a 'democratic' Government.

Some wonderful examples on BoingBoing - LOL.

Labour MP says something sensible!

2009-03-08T15:46:00.001-07:00

And it isn't Frank Field!

Having slated the Mail, I now have to praise it for publishing this article by Tom Harris, in which he argues that Labour need to tackle the culture of welfare dependency.

I know the Mail often spouts bollocks, but this is worth a read. In particular, he acknowledges that Tosser Blair fired Frank Field for 'thinking the unthinkable [but sensible]'. Perhaps another mea culpa for Blair to acknowledge, in addition to his admission that Labour got lucky on the economy (i.e. unlike Brown's 'scorched earth' policy, Ken Clark actually gave a shit about our standard of living - even if he's a cunt who wants the UK to be run from Brussels)...

I don't expect Cameron to sort out the economy; nor do I expect him to do what's needed with the welfare state (and that includes education and the NHS). But part of me - foolishly, I know - hopes that I'm wrong.

We need another Thatcher. Who will stand up and be counted?

More bollocks from the Daily Mail

2009-03-08T15:33:00.000-07:00

All right, it's not a surprise that the Mail is talking bollocks.

But this story on Alzheimer's drugs is Ed Balls of the highest order.

A study involving 26 people does not constitute scientific proof, you numbskulls!

Get some fucking lessons in basic statistics before you print such a load of crap, and try to get taxpayers to pay for useless drugs. Cunts.

Or are you being paid by the manufacturers?

Life to be banned - 'too dangerous', says Minister

2009-03-08T05:22:00.001-07:00

Following new scientific research from the University of the North of New Britain (formerly Kilbride College of FE), which shows for the first time that all human beings will die eventually, Safety Minister Jim Fitzpatrick has announced that all human life will be banned 'in the interests of improving statistics', which will, in turn, ensure 'New' Labour's prospects in all future elections.

Speaking exclusively on the Andrew Brown-Nose show, Mr Fitzpatrick explained, 'We have not been able to find any other way to catch up with Swedish and Dutch immortality statistics. We therefore took this tough decision - over breakfast this morning when we were deciding what new initiative we could announce on your show.'

The Brown Broadcasting Corporation could not be arsed to ask any spokesmen from other parties to comment on the proposals. Defending this decision, BBC Political Director Chris Paul said, 'This is such a minor administrative decision that we felt that it did not impinge on our Charter requirement to defend socialism.'

'In any case, when the Tories killed everyone in the North in the 1980s, Labour were not given the chance to put their case for increasing income taxes on the south to 110% in order to fund the north's basic requirements for chips, gravy, shellsuits, bling and BMWs.'

The ~~Liberal~~ Social Democrat spokesperson for public health, Sheila Beardsandal, said, 'This is ridiculous. Only today, our Conference voted through a radical suggestion to increase life expectancy by funding an expedition to find the Fountain of Youth. And yet the BBC - yet again - found no time to allow us to put forward this practical proposal on a minor TV show that nobody watches.'

Review of the Week

2009-03-07T04:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

Well, it's been an exciting, Progressive week, hasn't it?

First, that well-known hero of Women's Rights, Teddy Kennedy, has been given a life peerage - as Prime Minister Gordon Brown so eloquently explained, 'After all, if Lord Ashcroft can be a peer, why not an American who share's New Labour's values*?' Lord Kennedy of Chappaquiddick will take up his seat immediately.

Second, following the disgraceful treatment of Lord Ahmed of Tub, his supporters have received assurances from the Secretary of State for Sharia Law and Justice, Abdullah Islam (formerly Jack Straw), that Muslims will only be tried by fellow Muslims, that the word of a non-Muslim will be valued at less than that of a Muslim in future court cases, and that the Muslim Parliament will henceforth be given a right to pass new legislation without clearance by the House of Commons and the House of Lords, as well as a veto on any new laws emenating from those institutions.

Mr Islam (Straw) pointed out that, 'We in Britain have a long track record** of ~~capitulating to~~, I mean protecting Minorities, and this new step demonstrates just how progressive we are. I, for one, welcome our new Islamic overlords.' Osama Bin Laden, speaking from his Islamic (formerly Royal) Air Force jet en route from Pakistan to take up his new position as Speaker / Leader of the Muslim Parliament and Supreme Ruler of the United Caliphate (formerly United Kingdom), said, 'I welcome the recognition of the rightness of my Cause from my brothers in the United Caliphate Labour Party. Allah willing, I will be ~~taking it up the arse from Peter Mandelson this very evening~~, I mean, I'm not a closet homosexual at all, I will be receiving a delegation led by Peter Mandelson later this evening. I have ordered an immediate nuclear strike on Denmark and the Netherlands, for the disgraceful actions of their cartoonists and Geert Wilders respectively.' The Supreme Leader also welcomed the appointment of Lord Kennedy to the House of Lords, saying, 'He shares my attitude towards - and valuation of - women'.

The third great triumph of the week, following the disgraceful and outrageous attack on Peter Mandelson (now known as Nancia Marrakecha) on Friday, was the ~~back~~ passage of emergency legislation to allow for the summary execution, without trial and on the orders of a Minister or ACPO, of anyone who embarrasses important government figures, whether they be officials from the Office of National Statistics, or so-called 'environmentalists' (who could be greener than our New Labour Government?!) who throw things at Ministers. Announcing the latest law, newly Burqua'ed Home Secretary, Islama Fascista (formerly Jacqui Smith) said, 'We will be tough on slime, tough on the causes of slime'.

All Hail the Masters of the United Caliphate of Great Britain and Northern Ireland! All Hail Allah and his Prophet Mohammed!
All Hail his servants, Lord Ahmed of Tub, Lord Kennedy of Chappaquiddick, Abdullah Islam / Jack Straw and Islama Fascista / Jacqui Smith!

*No, that does not mean corruption, John Prescott levels of gluttony, and 'all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others'. Anyone suggesting this will receive a friendly visit from a delegation of 10,000 of Lord Ahmed's closest friends.

** i.e. about 11 years

Nuts!

2009-03-01T06:08:00.000-08:00

Old Holborn has drawn this fat bitch to my attention.

This isn't the first time I've heard a black person refer to another as a 'coconut' - it's usually reserved for people who aspire to middle-class things, like a house in a good area, a good education for their kids, etc.

Demonstrating ignorance beyond belief.

Well, OH's respondents have said most of it. But I would draw out 2 points:

- Why is it acceptable for black people to be racist - attacking values, etc. that are apparently 'white'? Why the double standards? Anyone? Draper? Harperson? Our friends at the BBC?
- I thought national politicians were stupid, but this one takes the biscuit. How do we devolve powers to local government with this shower of shite in line to wield them?

The New Zimbabwe?

2009-03-01T05:29:00.000-08:00

As Zimbabwe goes further down the toilet, thanks to the support for Robert Mugabe provided by the South African government and British banks, a new Zimbabwe appears to be rising, or, rather, sinking - the 'People's Democratic Republic of Venezuela'.

Fresh from appointing himself President for Life (not that he was ever going to give up power, of course), Hugo 'Wanker doesn't begin to describe him' Chavez now seems to be nationalising food production.

Like that never leads to food shortages...

The people of Venezuela have my sympathies - first, they suffered under the rule of a self-interested, crooked 'elite', and now the man that claimed he would 'save' them is making things worse [This seems to remind me of someone else who claims to be a saviour, but the name somehow escapes me...].

And, to top it all, they've had to put up with visits and support from Ken 'Cronyism isn't my middle name, because I'm a cheeky chappie' Livingslime. Who, together with the usual bunch of Guardianista gobshites, thinks everything in Venezuela is hunky-dory.

When Venezuela collapses, will Ken admit he got it wrong? Or will he be like the (inexplicably popular) twat and hypocrite-par-excellence landowner, Tony Wedgewood-Benn, and claim that he was never wrong about anything? Sadly, I know where my money is...

Fuck, I hate socialists. They destroy anything that's good in life and accentuate everything that's bad. And then they claim to represent the 'workers', whilst they live in luxury hotels and dine in the finest restaurants. Or pay their wives £100k a year salaries, eh Ken?

Just like 1984 - how come Orwell remained a socialist when he could see what they inevitably become?

Wanker of the Week

2009-03-01T03:16:00.000-08:00

Is the improbably named 'James T Kirk', for the following comment on the BBC News' Have Your Say:

"In their 2005 manifesto New labour promised a referendum on whether or not to sign the Lisbon treaty."

No, it was on the EU constitution, not the Lisbon Treaty. Irrespective of that, Blair did that to ensure the French held a referendum which he believed (rightly) would reject the Constitution and enable Britain and other countries to renegotiate some of the more ambitious aspects and gain more opt outs. This was achieved with the result that Lisbon really is just a tidying up exercise.

Well, as much as I like Star Trek (alright, alright, stop sniggering at the back... :-), this 'James T Kirk' is an utter wanker. I mean, does anyone seriously buy this shit? Gordon 'Courage' Brown didn't hold a referendum because he was scared that he would lose. As the Meerkat says, 'Simples'...

Meanwhile, most (though not all) of those making comments show their general ignorance by attacking Free Trade. My favourite is this:

We need a bit of both [Free Trade and Protectionism!]. Exporting comes from reciprocity [NB A protectionist concept, much favoured by the French...], and we need to keep key domestic skills safe.

BUT the net result should be that we export a little more than we import.

Eventually that WILL solve our economic woes.

You just can't be a net importer and fund it by debt...as we have seen.

Gordon-Charisma Brown, Brownutopia, Republic of Tax, Spend and Waste.

As much as this person has obviously picked out Gordon the Moron's, ahem, 'qualities', the statement does suggest one slight mathematical problem: how can all countries export a little more than they import?!!! That means that we can't all follow this policy, which makes it unsustainable... that way lies the 1930s Depression, to which protectionism made no little contribution.

What these muppets need to get is some basic economics (and history) lessons:

- Some countries import more than they export. This deficit can be funded in a number of ways: borrowing, a transfer / sale of assets abroad / etc.

- This is not a problem! It's a good thing!

- If a country can no longer afford - or is perceived as no longer being able to afford - to do this, its currency tends to depreciate against those of others. This makes its imports more expensive, and its exports cheaper, allowing it to reduce / eliminate its trade deficit. [For the benefit of the likes of Mr Kirk, this is one reason why joining the Euro is a really dumb idea - just look at its impact on Italy, for example...]

- This is a natural part of the economic cycle... like recessions. You can't 'cure' a recession, as idiots like Brown seem to think. Of course, you can make them worse, by entering them with a structural fiscal deficit, built up during a boom... But who would be stupid enough to do something like that?!

Lord Ahmed the Cunt

2009-02-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

Well, I can't believe it.

Lord Ahmed got six weeks (after parole) in ~~a cushy four star hotel~~ prison.

It's outrageous! I expected him to get a fully suspended sentence. After all, he's a Labour Lord - and a Muslim! They're not subject to English law - especially when it's just a white man they've killed.

Still, at least his ~~cunt, arsehole, dhimmi wanker, gobshite, turd of the highest order~~ lawyer has appealed against this outrageously long sentence.

I mean, they can 'prove' that his use of a cellphone had nothing to do with the crash. I don't know how, but I believe Lord Ahmed over anyone else. Actually, it's obvious that the texting had nothing to do with the crash. After all, if you're driving at 60mph, you could never see far enough ahead on a straight road in order to stop in time. [Note to Lord A: I take it I now won't be getting a visit from 10,000 of your friends? Cheers! I mean, thanks - no, I don't drink, I mean that isn't allowed anymore.]

I hope that family members of the judge in question die in similar circumstances. Let's see if he then considers a 6 week sentence to represent 'justice'. Cunt.

Until we elect district attorneys in this country and set tougher minimum sentences, we will never get rid of the bleeding heart, Guardian-reading cunts who are responsible for this kind of nonsense.

Is it just me...

2009-02-25T13:12:00.000-08:00

This story in today's Guardian (no, I don't normally read it: the Devil linked to a different story and I saw the headline) has opened my eyes to a bizarre 'pastime', called 'Upskirting'. This apparently involves the illicit taking of photographs up the skirts of oblivious females...

What the fuck?!

Just how low can people sink? I thought we'd reached a nadir with Big Brother and Benicio del Toro's 'Che', but...

One view might be that the legalisation of prostitution can't come soon enough. Another - that these men are too cowardly (or too small down there) to ever try to have sex with a woman, even if they were paying for it...

However, it does have the upside of getting Guardian readers all in a tizz - the comments are well worth reading, if only to see the stupidity of that particular group... And the Islamist tossers who suggest that 'women should dress appropriately'. Which takes me back to the Devil's post about how 30% of the population still, apparently, plan to vote Labour.

Lord help us.

Letter to the Stasi

2009-02-21T04:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Jacqui,

Forgive me for writing to you twice - I felt that it was important to write to you at both of your addresses, as it is not clear to me which is your main residence.

Following the recent decision to bar Geert Wilders from the UK, I felt it necessary to warn you of the risks of creating disturbances in other communities of certain Government actions. Clearly, on receipt of this information, you will feel compelled to act, as you have done following Lord Ahmed's intervention in the Wilders case.

First, any decision to allow any Muslim preacher into the UK will result in a delegation of at least 10,000 Christians, Hindus, Jews, agnostics, atheists and Jedi marching on whichever of your addresses you are at at the time. I therefore respectfully request that you do not allow any Muslim preachers into the UK.

Second, any decision of Gordon Brown not to resign and call an immediate election will result in the same delegation marching on Downing St. Again, I therefore respectfully suggest that the Prime Mentalist resign forthwith, with a general election to follow immediately.

Third, any decision not to tell the European Court of Human 'Rights' to go forth and multiply over the case of Abu Qatada, and a failure to deport him immediately will result in the same delegation marching on the prison where he is being held and holding an impromptu hanging, with similar sized delegations (for similar purposes) marching on the Home Office and both of your residences.

Fourth, failure to prosecute members of the Labour Party for outright fraud (most notably yourself, the Cooper-Balls household, Ken Livingstone, Lee Jasper, members of the House of Lords who have been taking bribes in return for amending laws - in fact, the list seems to be endless) will result in a similar delegation marching on Parliament.

Yours faithfully,

Bishop Brennan

PS I have just been told that the right to march on Parliament and break the law is one that is reserved solely for Muslims, with additional rights reserved for those who have killed someone by reading / sending text messages whilst driving. Apologies for my error in believing that all UK citizens were equal before the law.

Post of the year - two contenders

2009-02-21T04:14:00.000-08:00

By Dungeekin, via Old Holborn.

And some pretty good comments too (apart from all the twats going on about bad taste - like selling the rights to your death is in good taste!).

And another contender from the same site, this time by Leg-Iron. Another one for the tossers at 'Liberal' Conspiracy to ponder.

Love him or hate him, Old Holborn - and his crew - has become required reading...

Compare and contrast... my declaration of freedom

2009-02-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

Man attacks drug dealer who won't stop selling heroin to members of his family. Gets two months in prison, for what is effectively a minor assault on someone who deserved it - and who won't be punished by the police, CPS or any of the other cunts who supposedly provide 'justice' in what is laughably called our 'criminal justice system'. The Penguin's commentary on Old Holborn's blog says it all.

A lorry driver who killed a family of 6 people (crushed between 2 lorries so that their bodies were not recognisable) on a straight road where there is no good reason for him not to stop (no bad weather, etc.) gets 3 years in prison, which will be 18 months in reality. The family were not criminals and had done nothing wrong. The lorry driver simply couldn't be arsed to concentrate on the road. Hope the cunt dies of cancer.

Lord Ahmed is the Labour peer who successfully threatened - with total impunity - to bring 10,000 Muslims to the Horse of Lords to prevent a Dutch MP, Geert Wilders, from showing a film which depicts the violent nature of Islamists. Strangely enough, he didn't show any religious concern for the lives of others when he was sending a text message whilst driving on the motorway, and killed a man. He will get a maximum of 2 years in prison, i.e. 1 year after parole - and, of course, because he's a Labour peer and a Muslim to boot (better if he were gay and disabled, although, given Derek Draper's comments, only a non-'windowlicker' disability...), I guess he will get a suspended sentence. The fat, stupid, terrorist-loving cunt.

And people wonder why increasing numbers of us have no confidence in our 'justice' system?!

Well, I announce today that I am renouncing the protection of this so-called system of 'justice'. As is my right, I will defend my family using whatever measures are necessary. I do not recognise the authority of the police or any court in the UK. Any action taken against me by those authorities is illegitimate and an abuse of my fundamental rights of self-determination and self-defence.

Nutter on the bus...

2009-02-16T12:32:00.000-08:00

'Fuckin kids, nah fuckin respect these days. Me, I got a dodgy knee, and that scum we've brought into the world won't give me a seat. Kids these days - they're just scum. Just stabbing kids, no good for anyfink. Going into hospital tomorruh, only waiting til tomorruh so I can get my pension. And they won't give me a seat'

Says the nutter to his reflection in the window, as he climbs up onto the top deck of the thing they call a bus here in Chav-ville.

So far, not a lot to disagree with.

'Can't believe the mess this country's in. We're going to the bloody dogs.'

How true.

'It's all the fault of that one-eyed Scotch cunt. He should go back to fuckin' Scotland. He's finished, finished.'

If only. If only.

'Let the banks fail. Why the fuck should bloody taxpayers bail out the fucking banks? Somefink else would've evolved to take their place.'

True, how true.

'This place is full of bloody Europeans, half of 'em don't even speak fuckin' English.'

Mmmmm. Well, I don't hold it against you.

'All that cunt Gordon Brown's fault. He's let 'em in.'

Fair point. But they (and the, ahem, people of colour you don't appear to like very much) are, for the most part, a damn sight more useful than the native inhabitants of Chav-ville. Perhaps we could send the chavs to their countries?

'But I won't vote for the bleedin' Tories, me. No way.'

Well, it's true that they won't be much better (not that they could be any worse, of course).

'Nah, the answer's National Socialism', he emphasises, 'National Socialism'.

Oh dear.... and I thought we might be friends. Well, alright, maybe not... but I did at least feel sorry for you.

'Yer, vote BNP. Vote BNP, that's what I'm gonna do. This country's goin' to the dogs.'

How instructive for the twats at Liberal Conspiracy, who keep trying to claim that National Socialism had nothing to do with socialism. Clearly, not something that all of their fellow 'liberals' share... Something for them to ponder - if only they dared read anything outside their own comfort zone...

Modern English usage, part viii (cont)

2009-02-15T10:39:00.001-08:00

The Derek Draper nonsense this week has reminded me of just how, ahem, 'far' the language of Milton and Shakespeare has come in just 11 years of the Moron, Harperson, et al.

Anyway, I thought it might be important to start to record these momentous changes for posterity:

'Racist' - Anyone who disagrees with a socialist.

'Liberal' - A socialist, usually self-important, with the Guardian rolled up and stuffed up her ass (NB note the avoidance of any assumption that the Liberal is male).

'A good service' - The usual crappy level of service offered by the London Undergroud.

'Hard-working families' - Chavs who vote Labour (assuming they are allowed to vote; sadly, many 13-15 year olds are disenfranchised, something that the Party must sort out as soon as possible). Usually used to support the idea that anyone who is single cannot possibly work hard, and therefore must pay what used to be regarded (laughably, of course) as penal levels of taxation.

'White, anglo-saxon male' - repressor; bastard; value-less, someone that a Muslim (qv) may kill without punishment.

'White, anglo-saxon female' - object of the repression and bastardry meted out by the white anglo-saxon male (qv). Nonetheless, may be used for the sexual gratification of a Muslim without punishment.

'Tory' - Evil, must be stopped from gaining power at all costs, even if it means abandoning any pretence at democracy in the UK.

'School' - place where children from poor backgrounds must be pandered to at all costs, as part of the wider reach of the State. Anyone who suggests that school should be a place of learning a) has clearly not been near one in 20 years, and b) should be locked up, given their potential to harm themselves and Society (NB there is such a thing as Society, and it can be personalised, so can think, feel, be harmed, etc.).

'Social worker' - a state employee who should be given even more power, despite all the evidence that they should have very limited powers (Baby Peter, etc.).

'Muslim' - a member of society who has more rights than other people, including the right not to be offended; should this right be breached, Muslims have the right to call for the death of the person causing the offence, to blockade Parliament and, ultimately, to take over the country.

'The NHS' - the official religion of the UK, the only thing held in higher esteem than Islam. No-one may criticise the NHS or suggest that it is a waste of money; punishment is to be told that 'you obviously support the US health system, where 40m people don't have any healthcare, you eeeeeevil Tory (qv), you'. And to be sent to a re-education camp.

'Politician' - cunt (common usage, punishable by death); a selfless public servant, provided that they are a liberal (qv). If a Tory, then common usage applies (without threat of death).

'MP' - person entitled to enrich themselves at the expense of taxpayers; not to be held to account for any expense claims or to have applied to them standards that are usual for mere mortals.

'Minister' - like MP, except even less accountable. Not to be questioned under any circumstances.

'America' - the source of all things bad. Though no longer, now that George W Bush has departed, to be replaced by Barack Obama (qv).

'Depression' - a word that the Prime Minister only ever uses by accident.

'Barack Obama' - the Messiah, who will save us all, banish poverty, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, bring world peace and usher in a Golden Age, the like of which has never been seen before.

'Gordon Brown' - the Messiah, who has already saved the world; John the Baptist to Obama's Jesus.

'Courage' - disappearing whenever a problem arises; blaming others when this is not possible.

'Tony Blair' - formerly thought to be the Messiah, now shown to simply have been 'a very naughty boy'.

'Grammar' - a device used by the eeeevil middle- and upper-classes to repress the working masses; used to describe schools which took the brightest working class children and co-opted them into the System.

'Politically impartial' - Allowed to occasionally criticise the Labour Party, provided this is counter-balanced by a worse example on the part of the Tories (qv).

'Criminal' - Any member of the middle classes who drives above the speed limit. No longer applies to anyone who was brought up by a single parent / in a 'low-income' (qv) family / from an ethnic minority / etc. who commits murder / rape / theft / etc. They cannot be criminals because it is not their fault that they do these things, but the fault of the System.

'Low-income' - anyone whose income is less than £100,000 a year, unless they come from a middle-class family with two heterosexual parents who love each other.

I'm sure you have many more - perhaps we ought to start a New New Labour dictionary website?

And it begins to sink in...

2009-02-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

just how far Labour have fucked us...

Will the last non-chav turn out the lights on their way out, please?

What will all the benefit scum do when we've left them behind? :-)

Wanker of the Week

2009-02-14T10:32:00.001-08:00

Back by popular demand...

And today's wanker is... Derek Draper.

Primarily for this post. Presumably, 'revenge' for Guido pointing out that he didn't go to Berkeley (even though it would have been an appropriate place for him...).

Derek - fuck off you tedious, totalitarian cunt. None of the comments you cite are racist - they simply reflect reality in Brown's Britain. But, of course, socialists have always shouted, 'Racist!' at anyone with whom they disagree.

But racist comments like 'British jobs for British workers' are, of course, OK if they are uttered by socialist cunts like Gordon the Moron.

Anyway, given that Guido has apparently deleted the non-racist comments, I'm more than happy for any reader to leave similar ones on this blog. As a reminder, this is the picture:

And, Derek, keep your totalitarian shit on LabourShite - there's no room for it in the rest of the blogosphere.

Honestly, you'd think he had better things to worry about, like his mental boss, who's taking the country down the toilet - or just shagging his wife (after all, we all know the risks of not keeping your spouse happy in bed...).

Comment of the week - April 2008...

2009-02-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

Apologies for the non-existent blogging - the Angel of Pestilence has been visiting the Brennan household. Only my hamster died, so it's not so bad (although R****** G*** is a bit upset, especially as F****** S*** ate it...).

Anyway, gave me a chance to visit an old friend, aka the Beast. Although he hasn't posted recently (other than on Guido's comments, I was revisiting a classic sick / funny post about the disabled. Personally, I think it's a sign of civilisation when we support the disabled to be productive members of society. But I have to agree with Leg-Iron for this comment, which I think is self-explanatory - and deserves a wider airing:

Most of the disabled are only helpless because people tell them they're helpless. There is a big difference, never stated because it's not PC, between 'disabled' and 'useless'.

To any of those who say 'Oh, I'm disabled, you must feel sorry for me and look after me for the rest of my days because I'm unable to do anything for myself', I have one name to drop.

Stephen Hawking.

He's the most severely disabled person I've ever seen, and he's also the most brilliant scientist in the country. No benefit-scrounging for this guy, he makes all the money he needs through his own efforts.

If you're happy to sit back and live off benefits for the rest of your life, it's not because you're disabled.

It's because you're useless. Wallowing in self-pity is not a viable career choice.

I blame the PC crowd. They love to make people feel dependent. Gives them a steady stream of saps to partonise.

His posts on Old Holborn aren't bad either...

Ride the buses...

2009-02-02T05:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I would if they could cope with a bit of snow...

Anyway, I'm bored, being stuck at home and all, and DK has found a bus slogan generator... As my mind is always in the sewer, I came up with this...

Ridicule is always mightier than the sword...

The rise of the pleblic*

2009-02-01T06:17:00.000-08:00

*Term coined by The Filthy Smoker, commenting on Devil's Kitchen.

Well, the signs have been there for some time... England's white, 'working' classes are rising up in support of 'British jobs for British workers'.

And, whilst Mandy Pandy tries to stand up for Free Trade and against protectionism (as, to be fair, he did in Brussels, pissing off the French - well, the man can't be all bad!), the reality is that it is his party, the Prime Mentalist that he is supporting, the economic policy which he has supported all along, the EU policy which he has helped implement as well as supported, the adoption of an effective open border policy to immigrants and the rejection of policies to reduce the power of trade unions that are responsible for the rising tide of union action that we're seeing now.

Frank Field - one of the few Labour MPs that I have any time for - writes today about the consequences of the open doors policy in particular - and the stupidity of the 'British jobs for British workers' soundbite that the Great Gobshite in Downing St used a few months ago. Whilst the article is flawed - not least in its call for Splash Gordon to actually adopt a position of British jobs for British workers - it shows the sheer alarm in the Labour Party about the loss of their core supporters and the concommitant rise of the BNP - Labour voters are switching to them, illustrating that they are a left-wing party, not a right-wing one, no matter what idiots on Liberal Conspiracy try to claim...

But is it the 'white, working class' who should be angry - or those of us who have seen our taxes pissed down the toilet (strange and incongruous, I know, given this week's stories that suggest that Gordo can't actually manage to get to the toilet...) by this useless, ideologically-driven Government? Note - they're not just incompetent. They are deliberately fucking our country up.

One example: schools. Because they can't even get schools to teach our kids to read, write and count, they've given up. Instead, schools are to become a core part of 'children's services' policies to tackle 'inequality' - not, as Grammar schools used to, by teaching them useful skills and knowledge, but by telling them that it's not their fault if they don't learn... even if it's because they're fucking lazy bastards. Don't believe me? Have a look at 21st Century Schools: A World-Class Education for Every Child / A School Report Card. It simply beggars belief.

And some people actually thought Brown would be better than Blair. Although, to be fair (and to borrow a phrase), this isn't Brown, it's Balls.

Not enough for you? How about this from Thursday's Times:

There have been intense discussions on Labour’s National Executive Committee about how to help the 4.5 million people waiting for social housing and to get the construction industry back to work, The Times has learnt.

Now, how the fuck, after a boom lasting 15 years or so, are there 4.5 million people on the waiting list for social housing?! Are there that many useless Brits? Probably... Or is it that we have imported 4.5 million people from Poland, Ukraine, Brazil, Pakistan, Nigeria, etc. - well, they all seem to live near me, in my rapidly-depreciating tiny flat in Chav-ville. But weren't we told that these people were generating an economic benefit? So it 'can't' be them!

And what about our wonderfully generous benefits system - generous, that is, to frauds, cheats, liars and other scumbugs (strange that this also fits the description of most members of Parliament...), but not if you are old and need social care, having paid taxes for others' care throughout your working life. Or you've become unemployed in your 50s, after paying taxes all your working life. Just have a look at Ms Snuffy's, errr, heart-warming modern day story about a benefits scam, albeit one perpetrated by an Indian family, rather than by white trash.

So, I ask. What have the striking twats got to strike about?

- They largely voted for this Government of all the Gobshites - or at least funded it, given their membership of Trade Unions like Unite.
- It is the middle classes that are paying for them and their families. The 'poor' cheat the benefits system and / or don't earn enough, whilst the truly rich can get around paying tax. The sods in the middle get (financially) fisted by Gay Gordon and his merry band of cunts.
- They've priced themselves out of the labour market by demanding wages and benefits (wages in all but name) which are out of kilter with their productivity.

It is people like me, who've been paying for all this shite - and will pay for it in the future (although I can move abroad and escape) - who should be going on strike and protesting in the street. Not BNP-voting muppets who believed that Gordon the Moron was some kind of economic genius...

One of those irritating but have-to-do quizes...

2009-01-31T04:21:00.000-08:00

Via Obnoxio, another one of those annoying quizes...

You are a right social libertarian.
Right: 7.23, Libertarian: 3.68

Apparently, I am a moderate libertarian - but with a neo-con twist :-)

Clearly, my pro-gay marriage, being able to say what you like about any ethnic group, etc. and violent video game but anti-abortion and pro-banging up criminals for life views completely fuck up their American-based 'Culture War' thingy though...

This has probably been debated to death on the interwebby, but what is it that makes someone a libertarian, i.e. what are 'core' libertarian views?

I would say:

- Belief in negative rights - free speech, freedom of association, all equal before the law, etc. This includes proper punishment for those who infringe those rights, not 5 seconds of 'community service'.
- No such thing as 'positive' rights
- Belief in a small state
- Economic liberalism (which might mean regulation when markets fail, provided the government failure isn't even worse)

Clearly, not all would agree with me though:

- The Chicago School libertarians take what is a useful simplification for analytical purposes - that markets work - and make it into dogma. Whereas markets do sometimes fail. What is then important is whether state intervention can make it any better, without imposing massive costs or distortions, and without infringing basic liberties. I think that it can in some cases.
- Some also have some slightly mad (in my view) opinions on returning to the gold standard and the like. I like to think that I'm radical, but... Basically, human psychology means that wages can't easily drop - they're not sufficiently flexible. So we're stuck with some inflation as the price...
- Many libertarians dislike /hate my more interventionist views with regard to foreign policy, e.g. in principle, I support the intervention in Afghanistan, although we're fucking it up somewhat...
- It is very difficult to deal with irrational individuals, particularly Islamists who want to make the UK into an Islamic state, by force - I tend to feel that they should go live in an Islamist country and leave us alone; whereas a classic libertarian would allow them to live here and simply imprison those who commit crimes. My problem with this is that I don't think a rational approach works with people who cannot be appealed to with reason;
- Most libertarians rather idealistically believe in open borders - I don't think this is practical in a world where most countries don't practice this and there are such disparities of wealth.

Still, libertarianism's a broad church... isn't it? :-)

Next stop for the UK police?

2009-01-24T06:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently, some Nigerians think a thief has shape-shifted into a goat, and their local police force has been forced to take it into custody!

[This might explain a lot... After all, Harriet Harperson can't be human - perhaps she's that famous Sudanese goat that was married off to some peasant after he was caught, ahem, engaging in marital relations with it. Might explain her hatred of men and the idea that they might enjoy having sex...

On the other hand, maybe she's just a man-hating lesbian who has been forced into a sham marriage with a 'man' (using the widest definition of 'man' possible, given that it is Jack Dromey we're talking about here...)...]

Anyhooo... it's just so easy to go off-topic when it comes to the utter cunts that 'Govern' our country...

I think the point of raising this - apart from the fact that it's a tad amusing - was that it could never happen here... could it?

Personally, I'm not so sure... with the Government's anti-Darwinian scheme to reduce average intelligence, otherwise known as the 'Welfare State', funded by piling ever more taxes on hard-working individuals (whether they have families or not), whilst the likes of Paul Myners get rich courtesy of the taxpayer (via shorting banks, something which he is now slagging off, the hypocritical cunt) and pay very little tax...

And the outcome? How about this, for starters...

Fake charities

2009-01-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

An eagle-eyed reader may have noticed that Devil's Kitchen has launched the fakecharities.org website, after yet another 'charity' was revealed to be nothing of the sort, but rather a front for the Government to claim popular support for imposing yet more illiberal legislation on us.

Like the Devil, I am thoroughly pissed-off with this state of affairs - it's bad enough that businesses do this (see, e.g. The Truth About Drug Companies for examples of how Big Pharma uses charities to persuade the sheeple to lobby for ineffective drugs, like Herceptin for early stage breast cancer). But now the illiberal cunts in Government are using the same dirty tricks, cunts that they are.

So I have volunteered to help this noble cause. And I urge you to do the same.

My first contribution: some FoI requests:

To: info@dcsf.gsi.gov.uk

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to make a request under the Freedom of Information Act.

I would be grateful if you could let me know which charities received funding from the DCSF and its agencies:

- In 2008; and
- In 2007.

Yours sincerely,

Paul Brennan

To: dhmail@dh.gsi.gov.uk

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to make a request under the Freedom of Information Act.

I would be grateful if you could let me know which charities received funding from the Department of Health and its agencies:

- In 2008; and
- In 2007.

Yours sincerely,

Paul Brennan

And:

To: public.enquiries@homeoffice.gsi.gov.uk

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to make a request under the Freedom of Information Act.

I would be grateful if you could let me know which charities received funding from the Home Office and its agencies:

- In 2008; and
- In 2007.

Yours sincerely,

Paul Brennan

Etc........

Let's see if the cunts respond with some answers, or dodgy excuses... Not holding my breath...

PS I see the Devil is talking about the alcohol 'limits' which some 'scientists' invented in the 1980s, and which Government uses 'charities' - and dumbass 'liberal' democrat MPs - to promote. Did you know that they also made up '5 a day' - apparently, it's actually 3 a day.

Update: All Depts have promised to respond within 20 days, other than HM Treasury...

Tim Ireland - Necessary Evil or Just a Knob?

2009-01-18T06:55:00.001-08:00

I guess I am not the first to blog about this... and I'm sure I won't be the last :-(

I have had the unfortunate 'pleasure' of reading comments from Tim Ireland on various blogs over the last week, having only heard about him second-hand via Guido and Iain Dale.

My instinctive reaction, as I put it on Recess Monkey, was to tell him to get a life. And his response was martyrdom!

And I see he is being his usual irritating self on Labourist.org - self-appointed fount of righteousness in the blogosphere that he is.

The guy is clearly a knob... and yet I am inclined to believe that there is a place for all, even for the most nakedly self-righteous, in all of our 'occasional' blogrolls. Even though Guido is clearly a million miles from the level of power exercised by Rupert Murdoch, we should always think about the underlying interests of all those whose opinions we read, because they can all have an influence over our developing views. Well, obviously with the exception of the genuinely stupid and self-serving (Polly Toynbee springs to mind, as the Devil illustrates nicely in his latest post).

But... Tim - and I mean this in the nicest way - could you at least try to be a little less pompous and self-satisfied in the way that you perform your important social function? After all, we all have to eat fibre - but it can be in the form of tastier fare like rye bread rather than the cardboard taste of bran flakes (and you can even put sugar on those!).

Labour get fisted!

2009-01-18T06:28:00.000-08:00

I see that Labourist.org have taken on the pisspoor Labourlist.org.... and taken Mandy's statement about engaging openly rather too literally for Mandy's liking.

Comment of the day so far....

- Paul says:
  
  January 17, 2009 at 3:54 pm
  
  As my comment on this post was deleted on LabourList, I thought I should post it here…
  
  Mandy, can you tell us the name of the young man you were spotted with in Marrakech?
  
  Reply
  - Peter Mandelson says:
    
    January 17, 2009 at 4:16 pm
    
    I was just widening the circle of my friends
    
    Reply
The Ranting Penguin says:

January 17, 2009 at 11:12 am

Lord Mandelson, what do you think of your early adventures in Second Life, brought to an eager audience courtesy of the Daily Mail?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1120106/What-happened-took-Mandys-avatar-Second-Life.html

And do you really have that tattoo?

Reply
- A small Arab boy says:
  
  January 17, 2009 at 9:05 pm
  
  مصرع طفلين في قصف على مدرسة للأونروا بقطاع غزة، وجرح تسعة جنود إسرائيليين داخل القطاع.
  
  (Ouch)
  
  Reply

Well, it made me laugh....

Oh. My. God.

2009-01-12T13:29:00.000-08:00

As you probably know, the Devil already has a blog. But, in that case, it's clearly not the Devil in the evil - Satanic, Beelzebub - sense

Now, however - via one of DK's Anonymous disciples - it seems that Satan - the real one - has learned the art of seeking to spread his poison online.

Some of you may remember Rory Bremner's avatar of Peter Mandelson on his C4 show (well, C4 has to be useful for something...). I thought it was funny.

Now I'm not so sure...

Is nowhere safe from these bastards?

Citizens of Second Life - prepare yourselves for:

Eye-watering levels of virtual taxation and government debt
Monitoring of all your online activities.
Harriet Harman stopping any sexual fantasies (unless they involve ugly women only)
Virtual imprisonment / hanging for smoking or speeding offences; rewards for committing anything previously regarded as criminal
'Losing' your data so that it can be used by criminals
A financial crisis that 'began in America' but hits the UK worse than anywhere else, for reasons that can't be explained, other than by some vague reference to potential other governments being 'do-nothing' organisations
Gulags for anyone that doesn't repeat, parrot-style, everything that the Mandelson avatar says
A Second Life Broadcasting Corporation - funded by compulsory taxation - which features such 'balanced' reporters as 'Toilets' Macguire and 'Toenails' Robinson
Free inside information for a Robert Peston avatar
All-in-all, a virtual USSR - a model for the UK if Labour win the next election.

Is it possible to have a virtual revolution? Are there any Second-Lifers who would volunteer to lead it - and treat the Mandelson avatar to Bolshevik-style retribution?

Please, God - what did we do? :-(

The bishop is back... and angry as ever!

2009-01-12T05:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader

Apologies for the absence of posts recently - I've been enjoying a (well-earned?) holiday.

I gather that I'm not the only one... Mandy Pandy has apparently been spotted in Marrakech (incidentally, not his first time there...). Some of Guido's co-conspirators have even suggested that he might have been enjoying some of the, ahem, adult entertainment that Marrakech offers.

Well, clearly the Bishop isn't in a position to judge the truth of the matter - nor, as a libertarian, does he care if Mandy or anyone else indulges in such activities, provided they involve consenting adults. But, if this was what Mandy was doing, and given ~~Harriet Harperson's~~ Jacqui Smith's new law which will insist that clients check prostitutes' ages and that they aren't trafficked, perhaps Mandy could let us know whether he took similar precautions in North Africa, and how he ensured that he was told the truth?

Or, as anyone outside the Labour Party knows, will the legislation not work? There was an excellent article by Hannah Fletcher and Claudia Fromme in the Times on this, back in November. In particular, it points to experience in Finland, where, 'Since [similar] legislation came into effect, there has not been one single prosecution', because it is impossible to prove 'beyond reasonable doubt' that a client knew that a prostitute was trafficked.

Perhaps this is all part of Labour's ongoing attempts to turn England into a police state? The failure of the legislation will mean that 'beyond reasonable doubt', the backbone of a fair and just legal system for centuries, will be changed - no doubt, to 'if you support Labour, you're a victim and we'll pay you vast amounts of taxpayers' money, and, if not, you're an evil criminal who doesn't understand social justice, and we'll send you to the gulag'.

Perhaps the Prime Mentalist is more like Stalin than Mr Bean, after all?

Getting back to the subject in hand, I think it is worth reflecting on some of what the article says in detail...

When Richard Gere picked up Julia Roberts in his Lotus Esprit in Pretty Woman, it was the start of a great Hollywood romance. The classic prostitute with a heart of gold, she was transformed almost instantly into a glamous sex kitten, equally at home shopping on Rodeo Drive, decorating his arm at the opera in San Francisco or stamping the divots at a polo match. And, of course, there was a fairytale ending in which the corporate prince rescued the fair maiden as she promised to “rescue him right back”.
But if an English Gere — perhaps a hedge-fund manager trying to find Notting Hill in the dark — attempted a similar stunt in the brave new world of Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, he wouldn't be handing out strawberries in the hotel penthouse but having his mugshot taken at the nearest police station.

Well, yeah. I mean, does anyone seriously think that prostitution is glamorous? Pretty Woman is a shit film, and hardly compares to reality (for a start, Richard Gere [edited for legal purposes! ;-)]). Seriously... (I guess they had to do this, as such sensationalisation seems to be a requirment even for broadsheet journalists these days... But forgive them - the rest of the article is unusually balanced and fair).

Andy Hayman, former assistant commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, thinks that the new proposals are ludicrous. “The police have so many other priorities, such as knife crime,” he says. “They don't want to hound prostitutes who obviously need the money, or their clients, unless they are causing serious problems.
“What these women need is help. Many of them are drug addicts or behind with their rent; they already have criminal convictions so they can't find another job. They don't need to be forced farther underground. Most are already very co-operative, and they are great informers. Coppers will ignore this one.”

Wow! The police being sensible? Perhaps Inspector Gadget despairs too much? Although it is an ex-copper talking... And they probably should go after the people traffickers....

"This is an disaster for many working women,” says Virginia (not her real name), who works in a sex parlour in southeast England that is run by a middle-aged couple. “These measures will make our jobs far more dangerous. The couple I work for are not pimps, they check my clients and make sure I'm safe. The sex between my client and myself is a consensual act.”

Nicky Adams, a spokeswoman (NB not 'spokesperson' - naughty, naughty!) for the English Collective of Prostitutes (NB note that 'union' seems to be a dirty word here - perhaps this explains Labour's hatred for them?), adds:

...prostitutes are now terrified of ending up with the most unscrupulous pimps. “All this will do is hound the decent parlour owners. The Government is trying to take the moral high ground but it's a low blow for women who are struggling to make ends meet, whether they are from Croydon or Croatia.”

But, as Harperson argues, isn't prostitution just, well, wrong? If women demean themselves by being prostitutes, why should we want them to be protected? After all, if we can get murder and rape figures up, then we can put all men (the raping bastards!) in prison and have a much better world! And we don't want any pretty Eastern European women here, showing how ugly many British women are! After all, how's a girl to get a girlfriend against that sort of competition?

If only women would simply look and dress like Harriet or our dear Jacqui (especially in her knife-proof vest, and with her protection squad, vital for any Labour Minister given what they've done to this country), then no man would want to fuck them! And then there would be no prostitution.

Except for rent boys in Marrakech, accessible only to senior Labour Ministers. Nothing wrong with that - after all, gay and Labour, now that's a minority group that deserves the full protection of the law...

First Predictions for 2009

2008-12-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it's that time of year when we make foolish predictions about 2009. And they don't come much more foolish than those made by our friends at the Treasury - return to economic growth by the autumn, public borrowing of 'only' £120bn in fiscal year 2009/10 (excluding Northern Rock, Land Rover, etc., etc.....)...

And what of the likely reality? Well, here's a go...

1. With the UK economy going down the toilet, Brown calls early election on back of his bounce in the polls. Tories fail to provide proper alternative, saying that they won't cut spending to cut taxes and that 'rolling back the state isn't an option'. Muppets vote Brown back in.

2. Run on the Pound (even more than already) - how about £1 = 0.75 Euro?

3. UK can't refinance all of its debts as well as new borrowing. IMF called in.

4. UK economy completely fucked.

I think that about sums it up. Time for everyone who can to leave for the exit...

OR...

1. Cameron comes to his senses and makes the Tories a low tax party; or luck intervenes (seems more likely...) and the IMF are called in before Brown dares hold an election.

2. IMF forces 'savage' (all of 10%) cuts in UK spending in return for structural adjustment lending. Surprise, surprise - the sun doesn't fall out of the sky and the world goes on...

And this is the point. Although a recession will be painful - no foreign holidays for some (oh, the pain, the pain...) and no job for others (but they're in the private sector, so this is good news for our Labour Masters - more welfare clients...) - it may force the changes that the UK needs:

It will be pretty easy to squeeze health spending by 10% - just cut the national tariff which determines prices. Together with wage freezes for the doctors who have done rather nicely under Labour (43% of additional health spending under Labour has gone on wage increases). Let's end the fiction of an NHS dental service (other countries leave it to the private sector - lightly regulated to prevent abuse of market power). A lot of public health spending can be cut without affecting health - e.g. anti-alcohol and 5-a-day campaigns.
Cut down on wasteful spending. That means abolishing the Dept of Timewasting & Interfering (now called 'BERR' for some pathetic reason). It means no more 'lesbian co-ordinators' and the like, a ban on outside consultants being paid more than their civil service equivalents without specific sign-off by a Secretary of State (making them accountable for showing VfM) fewer special advisors, a hiring freeze across Whitehall and the rest of the public sector (with the exception of those who can show that they will generate cash savings, e.g. people who know how not to get ripped off buying IT services), wage cuts outside London to reflect the true difference in the cost of living rather than one that's made up, no more new furniture and IT kit at the end of the financial year, etc. And the House of Commons can show it's sharing the nation's pain by taking a 10% wage and allowance cut and losing its drinks subsidies. It's symbolic, y'know...
All civil servants to be required to suggest a way of saving money in their area in order to receive a higher box marking, be eligible for future promotion and avoid a pay cut - we need to encourage a culture where efficiency is the norm, not the exception. Suggestions to be published, so that senior civil servants and Ministers can be held to account if they block their implementation.
Abolish tax credits - whether for 'working families' (just cut taxes) or for R&D (ditto). Simplify tax system, introducing flat tax. Measures together will save billions in Revenue & Customs salaries, fraud / overpayment and firms having to spend much less on their tax returns.
Scotland, Wales & Northern Ireland to receive same per capita spend as regions of England with equivalent levels of GDP per head. If they want more, they'll have to pay more tax. We can also save some money by reducing the number of MPs from those areas to reflect their population size and the fact that Gov't is devolved...
Unilateral UK withdrawal from the Common Agricultural Policy, together with the concommitant cut in the UK's EU budget contributions. We gave up our rebate for nothing - now we'll get something. :-)
Prison spending to be held steady - 2 at least to a cell (Human Rights Act to be disapplied to criminals), no more playstations, day trips for feral youths, etc. will fund new prison places.
All existing Gov't funding for the Turd Sector / Charities to be ended. If they want to campaign against Gov't policies, they'll have to find private individuals to fund them. Those who want to implement (new, tougher) Gov't policy and can produce credible plans for doing so, can bid for funding against cr&p public sector authorities such as Haringey.
DFID's budget to be cut. It's stupid for the UK to borrow money it can't afford to pay for corruption in the developing world. Spending that remains only to be given to countries that help themselves by adopting sensible policies. But as we're no longer in the CAP, they can export their farm produce to us without restriction (helping them and us - lower food prices for us, more secure markets for them).
No national ID scheme (a bigger waste of money than David Bentley...). Olympics to be given to Paris.
Education spending to be slightly cut by abolishing LEAs and ending nonsense like payments to students to do A levels. Vouchers to be introduced across the board to drive competition a la Sweden. I'm sure there's loads more that could be done - quality hasn't gone up with spending over the last decade...
Defra and MoD to lose all industrial policy responsibilities and spending. No money to be directed towards the countryside over-and-above spending elsewhere - the cost of living is higher in cities, so why should taxpayers there subsidise those who live in the country?!
Scrap RDAs - another complete waste of money.
Police targets to be abolished. Local police chiefs elected - if they don't deliver real cuts in crime, they'll get voted out. All the bureaucracy introduced over the last 30 years to be at least halved.
End welfare as a way of life (TM). Anyone that claims benefits fraudulently will lose entitlement to benefits permanently (and fuck anyone that says, 'but what about the chiiiiildreeeeeen?'). Anyone on benefits will not receive extra benefits for having more children. Nor extra housing. No-one under 25 to receive a council flat / house - that might encourage some responsibility... With tax thresholds massively increased, there will be no excuse not to work if you can - I don't care if that means cleaning the streets or public toilets (which are so disgusting that they can only be carrying large numbers of vacancies).

That's just a start. I bet everyone who works in the public sector can suggest many more.

But I needed to get it off my chest.

And 2009 may turn out to be not be so bad after all... but the start of something good.

Wanker of the Week - Christmas special

2008-12-27T07:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

A very belated Merry Christmas to you.

The Bishop had a wonderful family Christmas - made all the more wonderful by the news about Harold Pinto. I celebrated with a special bottle of communion wine from my friends at Ridge Wines. [And, no, I don't get paid to endorse them - they're just the best wines in the world, in my humble opinion.]

However, the Christmas day festivities were interrupted by a 'special' edition of Top of the Pops, which featured Leona Lewis mauling (given her Aslan-like looks - and, no, that wasn't intended as a compliment - a good choice of word, methinks) the wonderful Snow Patrol song, Run.

Now, the Bishop isn't particularly wivvit, innit when it comes to the X-Factor and other shite beamed into the Sheeple's living rooms, 1984-style, by ITV and the BBC (yet another reason to rip up my TV licence and tell them to fuck off, as if I needed one...). But I have not only heard Run being farted out by Leona Fat-Arse as previously mentioned, but also Leonard Cohen's wonderful Halleluja being vomited out by some other piece of choir-fodder, who, I am told, rejoices in the name 'Burke'. How appropriate.

Well, I could make these two transexual wannabes my joint Wankers of the Week. And it's not that they don't merit it - fame-hungry, money-grubbing chav-fodder that they are. It's just that, well...

There is a cunt of the highest order that has for many years produced this kind of junk music, aimed at teenage girls and their mothers / grandmothers, all in the name of making money. Not that there's anything wrong with making money. But the Bishop wouldn't choose to do so by trafficking women from Eastern Europe to work as prostitutes, say, or by selling weapons to Hugo Chavez. And crimes against music are - to these ears, at least - pretty much on a par with such reprehensible activities...

And his name is Simon Cowell. The man who gave us Sinitta and Grease is the word (where is the puking smiley when you need it? Ah... here - ).

And. He's. A. Cunt. A Christmas Wanker if ever I saw one.

So, Simon, go fuck yourself right up the arse with the longest bargepole in history. And when you die, I hope your own personal Hell is to be forced to listen to Sinitta et al for eternity. And that might, just might make us even.

In the meantime, I will give you a tiny taste - although probably not nearly as minuscule as your cock must be, given how you obsessed you are with fame, money and all that they bring at the expense of taste, family and love (what else would explain his sense of inadequacy?) - of what I think about you by making you the first Christmas Wanker of the Week.

Wanker of the Week

2008-12-18T13:59:00.000-08:00

What kind of cunt thinks that a murderer is a hero, an icon, someone we should look up to?

Not many people are that stupid.

But those that are - well, they usually vote Labour... or their equivalents abroad.

And the Nameless Libertarian and the Devil have identified a particular arsehole of the species. The name's del Toro. Merda del Toro. Or, at least, that's what kids at school called him...

And he's a complete cunt. As are all the feeble-minded sheeple who wear 'Che' t-shirts. Or listen to the opinions of actors as if they are some breed of geniuses, simply because they pretend to be other people in films.

So, del Toro - you're my Wanker of the Week.

And you're joined by anyone that thinks that celebrities' opinions are somehow something that others should take notice of, just because they are celebrities. Yes, Gordon 'end of spin' Brown - that means you, too. Cunt.

The blogosphere

2008-12-14T11:19:00.000-08:00

I've had a bit of time to explore a few more blogs - and add some to my blogroll.

I particularly recommend this post by Nightjack. As well as making a lot of sense - the sheer damage that has been done by Government creating Welfare as a Way of Life (TM) - anything that winds up lefties has to be a good thing...

Inspector Gadget's book, Perverting the Course of Justice, has it in more detail. Well worth a read, although it made me more angry than a year's worth of Daily Hate-Mail stories about chavs living the high life (literally, in many cases...) on the backs of Gordon's 'hard-working families' and the rest of us. I needed to knock back a tub-full of statins to prevent the heart rate reaching the stratosphere...

Especially as I'd just read Takeaway, written by Adrian Li - which details just how much Gordon's taxes and the Chavs he funds them with have conspired (fortunately, unsuccessfully in this case - although not in many others, I fear) to try to fuck up the lives of one of his 'beloved' ... 'hard-working families'.

Taken together, they demonstrate just how much Nu-Liebour have fucked over, rather than helping hard-working families and individuals.

Which is why Labour Bollocks is an essential read for the 30% + of the population that, if the polls are to be believed (a big 'if', surely?!) are still planning to vote for the Prime Mentalist, rather than consign him to Hell (although that would be too good for the monocular Scots wanker-of-microphone-stands).

God, Gordon Brown is such a cunt.

Wanker of the Week

2008-12-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a while. And so many candidates!

- All BBC employees (as per every week - too easy)
- All civil servants (except that bloke at the Home Office who's been helping Damien Green. Do the others all support Gordon the Moron?!)
- Social workers from Haringey and wherever it is Oop North where Shannon Matthews lives
- Michael Martin

But the Bishop has decided not to target the usual suspects - at least, as left-wing 'liberals' (i.e. socialists - who are anything but liberal) would stereotype them.

...

Had you for a second!

Of course, it's Michael Martin.

Should never have been a Speaker - like his fellow Scottish MPs, he has no appreciation for the importance of Parliament to English freedoms. And he's too thick.

And no, I don't give a fuck about his background - his Catholicism (obviously...), his metal-bashing career (I bet he was shit at that too!), his trade-unionism (although that's usually a giveaway for stupidity and selfishness - nothing must ever change in case someone might have to change jobs), or even the fact that he joined a Party that has infantilised Scotland and now the rest of the UK, all in the name of staying in power for no apparent purpose other than to stick its collective snout in the trough.

He isn't up to the job. Simple. And if he had any shred of decency or honour, he would resign.

But he's a wanker who is addicted to the perks of power. And that's why he's my Wanker of the Week.

Why Gordon wants to replicate Mugabenomics

2008-12-06T15:31:00.001-08:00

To his shame, the Bishop was struck not only be the sheer horror and awfulness of the latest news from Zimbabwe about cholera, but also by an unpleasant thought about what Gordon the Moron might have in store for the UK.

As many others have pointed out the similarities between events in Zimbabwe and those in the UK recently, I won't waste your time repeating them. But the question many have asked is why. Why would Gordon want to do this to us?

Well, some suggestions include:

- He's mental. Well, duurrrrr! But to suggest that another mentally-challenged PM would wreck the UK's economy deliberately is, I feel, unfair. After all, John Major thought Edwina Currie was attractive. And yet the economy did relatively well under his government - after White Wednesday, that is.

- He thinks that Brits are more likely to vote for him if there's a crisis. There are enough apparent morons who would do this, if the polls are to be believed - who the fuck would vote for Labour after the last 11 years? Well, 30% + of the population, apparently! Hmmmm, a great argument for democracy... not.

- He hates the Tories so much that he's willing to do anything to hurt them - including destroying the country by laying waste to our economy. This was the Bishop's favourite explanation for his decision to follow Mugabe's example.

However, the latest from Zim suggests a more fundamental reason.

A Sky News broadcast this week showed Zimbabweans in hospital in South Africa, being treated for cholera.

Apart from the obvious suffering, one thing that was slightly alarming was the bright green adult nappies which many of the patients were wearing.

And then the Bishop remembered the story about Gordon's nursery-based activities.

And, suddenly, there was light - if the UK follows Zimbabwe into a cholera-ridden hell, then it will become 'normal' to wear adult nappies. And Gordon will then - at least in his own warped, sick mind - be 'normal' too.

Faith - whilst some have regained theirs, I've lost mine

2008-11-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

Oh dear!

The Diocesan Council's investments have run into even more trouble. A shareholding which, we were assured, would yield a profit in fact looks like yielding a rather substantial loss.

The new advisors we took on last year don't seem to be helping much...

Still, no-one predicted what would happen. Not.

Still, it's only money. And not our money at that. The tithe-payers can always be squeezed a ~~little~~ lot more. And you can bet they will be. And then some.

Especially when we have to call in help from Rome. The International Diocesan Fund aren't renowned for pulling their punches.

Still - the Curia will get their bonuses this year. And the Cardinal, his predecessor and his pals have apparently regained their popularity amongst the tithe-payers.

Incompetent fuckwits.

That's why I have finally lost my religion. Friday was my last day at the Council. Whilst I'm sad to leave, and I'll miss my team and my friends, I've lost all faith in the Church.

My new job is... well, let me think about what I can say about it ;-)

BB

Gordon's economic 'miracle'...

2008-11-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

...is to have fucked up when Ken Clarke was taking us places.

Burning Our Money... as the website says.

How the fuck could anyone vote for that fucker? The Bishop doesn't need to plead the 5th. Do you? If so, hang your head in shame. And yes, you knew damn well in 2005 that it was Vote Blair, get Brown. Yes, and, for the record, note from the link the stupidity / involvement in the conspiracy (take your pick) of EU-fanatics

Gordon Brown. Not flash. Just a moron, muppet, twat, cunt. With more power than sense. And a rocking horse. Apparently.

Secret camara in Prime Minister's Office

2008-11-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

And people think that this man should be PM? Maybe this is normal in Glenrothes?

Wanker of the Week

2008-11-08T03:20:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama.

Yes, the 'Barack-lash' has begun. Why, I hear you ask?

Well, first, the Bishop was never a great fan of the Saviour of the Universe(TM).

And now the socialist twat is proving the Bishop right. Via yesterday's FT:

- He is giving new powers to trade unions: what a great idea at a time when the US is going into recession, increasing the cost of employin people! That won't have any negative impact on the unemployment rate, will it?

- Not only is he intent on fucking up the US economy, he also wants to impose it on the rest of us too: he is already reinforcing his protectionist credentials...

[Note: sorry, I can't find the links - I read the stories in yesterday's (hangs head in shame) ~~paper~~ dead-tree FT]

I don't care if he's black, white, pink, green or any colour of the rainbow - he's a complete wanker. Fact.

Mandy Pandy off to see a Panda (again)?

2008-11-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

The Bishop hears that Peter Mandelson is off to China again in February.

Perhaps he needs more supplies?

Lord Darzai had better prepare for another 3am call...

Wanker of the Week

2008-10-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Well, there are so many candidates, most of whom work for the BBC.

But sometimes it's important to go for the obvious one.

Peter Mandelson.

I feel the stench of corruption approaching just by typing his name...

Some leopards (in this case, snakes) and all that...

Another Establishment Fuck-Up

2008-10-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

Ronald Reagan must be turning in his grave. His closest ally in the war against the Communists (he could hardly rely on the cheese-eating surrender monkeys now, could he...) completely fucked by the Establishment... yet again.

We're returning to the Dark Ages of socialism, cheered on by the Muppet Show that is the BBC (apologies Kermit and Co - you're nothing like as stupid and craven to 'New' (i.e. Same Old) Labour as Peston, Robinson and Co).

I wonder what the Gipper might have said about the motives of Brown and the rest...

If it moves (or might move in the future), tax it
If it is still moving, regulate it (badly)
If it stops moving, subsidise it

This should be inscribed on Gordon Brown's tombstone. Preferably, as soon as possible...

That, and, given his insane addiction to Big Government, a picture of a begging bowl - the one he may well end up proffering to the IMF...

Recently (very) drunk...

2008-10-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

The eagle-eyed will have noticed a new feature here on Craggy Island - the 'Recently Drunk' sidebar...

This is your humble Bishop's effort to stick two fingers (or one, if you're one of our American friends) up at the health fascists who have stuck posters all over the Metrocity metro telling us all that we drink too much.

These fuckers need to understand:

- I do a stressful job, working in the Diocesan Council with ~~people~~ utter cunts like Archbishop D'Inde, who are busy trying to fuck up the Diocese's investments.
- I have to travel on the Metrocity metro.... and the Metrocity above-ground
- Because my salary's shite - or, rather, I have to pay so much of it in tax - I have to live in Chav-ville, alongside the recipients of my generosity
- Who repay me by spending it on cheap cider, being violent, scaring the shit out of Mrs Brennan and anyone with half a brain, and then visiting Chav-ville A&E, where they are singularly unpleasant to the docs and nurses who try to help them.

And you fuckers have the nerve to tell me not to drink...

You should be grateful I don't shoot-up... the chavs' flats (actually, make that my flats, since I pay for them).

Now fuck off back to Guardian La-La Land, where everyone, darhling, has a BMW and a Tuscan Villa and lives in the nicer bits of Metrocity, and therefore can 'afford' to pay more tax...

Cunts.

Sharia latest

2008-10-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

Oh joy! The muppet 'Justice' Minister and Lewisham MP, Bridget Prentice, has announced that Sharia courts can now have a formal role in part of the UK legal system - that relating to divorce.

Was Harriet Harperson consulted? Do Muslim women not count as women who have rights? Or do religious rights outweigh the right to be treated fairly in an open court?

Not that I'm saying that the UK's family court system is fair or anything - just one look at the Fathers for Justice website will at least raise questions... But I thought that Harperson's whole idea was to fuck men (obviously not literally!), not give them an advantage?

As Private Eye might put it, shurely shome mishtake?

Or have Muslim votes become so crucial to Labour that they will even abandon core principles? Perhaps rich fundamentalist Muslims have offered, in return for this ~~nutcase legislation~~ wonderful example of multiculturalism in action, to bankroll Labour's election campaigns - including Osama Bin Laden, say? Given their aim of creating a Caliphate which would include the UK, perhaps this is the most logical explanation?

What am I missing? Perhaps Bridget could tell us before she gets booted out at the next election (assuming no sudden influx of postal voting into Lewisham, that is...).

Just what is the UK's debt burden?

2008-10-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

Fraser Nelson - amongst others - has pointed out some of the, ahem, allegedly dodgy accounting tricks employed by Gordon Brown and co to understate the level of UK Government debt relative to GDP.

The new 'series' is called 'National Debt excluding Northern Rock'. Quite what has happened to Bradford & Bingley, and what will happen with the latest acquisitions of shareholdings in the 'commanding heights' of the financial part of the economy, well, we can't be sure - 'Ratio of UK debt to GDP, excluding Government liabilities relating to banks, PFI, public sector pensions, Equitable Life, etc., etc.' perhaps?

In honour of the obviously honourable purpose of this new statistical 'series' - to show the true level of UK Government debt to GDP - the Bishop has resolved to create a new measure. I proudly present:

'The ratio of UK Government Debt to GDP if the UK had never suffered from Labour fuck-ups'

First, GDP without Labour fuck-ups:

- The UK wouldn't have wasted its Marshall Aid on building an unsustainable welfare state; instead, it would have rebuilt its industries, as the French and Germans did.
- No nationalisations of steel, coal, etc.
- No NHS
- No idiot Tony Benn in the Cabinet - fewer subsidies to BAe, etc.
- No commies in the Wilson government
- The Tories wouldn't have become socialists in the 40s-70s
- The miners' strike in the 70s would have been more like the one in the 80s
- The Trade Unions would have been told to fuck off earlier
- Taxes would have always been significantly lower
- Ken Clarke's spending plans would not have been followed by a splurge of public spending that mortgaged the future
- Etc.

UK GDP per capita, in short, would be closer to that of the top countries in the world.

Next, debt without Labour fuck-ups.

- No 'Chav' class of benefit-claiming, workshy scum: welfare would be confined to the genuinely needy - and would be generous to the disabled, etc.
- No costs of nationalising industries. But equally, no revenues from privatisation. Generously, let's say no cost for the utilities. But huge costs from support for coal, steel, shipyards, Leyland, etc.
- No need to go the IMF in the 1970s
- No need to spend North Sea oil revenues on restructuring the UK economy in the 1980s - so would have had huge surpluses, perhaps put into UK Sovereign Wealth Fund
- The Tories had concluded by 1997 that PFI didn't work - no mortgaging of the future from waste of money PFI schemes that cost, rather than save money
- No tax on pensions in 1997: not so much would rest on public pensions
- Public sector surplus from Ken Clarke policies would have been used to pay off all UK debt, and spending would have been matched to revenues
- No chickening out on the renegotiation of the Civil Service Pension Scheme in the last 10 years, hence public sector pensions would be more sustainable

So UK would have had no net debt going into the current recession. Hence zero debt / GDP. And with our US+ levels of wealth, half of the population would hardly be thinking of emigrating...

Clearly, this is re-writing history, and so is fictional... But hardly any more so than Gordon's latest debt 'series'. But there is a clear lesson:

Everyone who has ever voted Labour should be disqualified from voting, at least until they've paid off their 'fair' share (national debt / labour voters)...

Do you think Polly's villa in Tuscany will cover it?

They smell...

2008-10-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

The French, that is. Well, French politicians, at least. Even more than our own, with the exception of Gordon the Moron, who looks like the last time he saw soap and water was when he lived in the Manse.

Why am I fucked off with the French? Well, apart from the obvious (I think I've ranted about the CAP before)? They do produce good wine, after all (I enjoyed a particularly delicious bottle of 1997 Cornas last night, so much so that I finished the whole bottle...). And their food's good too. Although the Bishop prefers Spain for both.

Well, the French Church currently presides over our European Eucumenical Affairs Council. And the bastards sent a draft communication, to be sent to the Chinese Church, for agreement within the hour in fucking French! Trying to pull a fast one, they included provisions for communion wine to be sourced only from France, and for communion wafers to have 'special geographic status' that means they could only be made in Archbishop Barnier's cow shed!

Unfortunately for them, the Bishop speaks French. So I told them to fuck off.

So a pretty good day, all in all. :)

Time for a good bottle of Ridge Cabernet - 1997. Mmmmm. I might just have to finish the bottle. Only to piss off the health fascists who have been putting stupid ads up all over the Metrocity Metro, you understand?

Cheers!

BB

Lord Mandelson & his kidney stone

2008-10-22T12:27:00.001-07:00

Guido had this ~~amusing~~ totally-unfunny story last week regarding a possible source of Lord Mandelson's kidney stone. [Warning: the PC amongst you won't like the header. So you can go fuck yourselves.]

However, the Bishop has discovered a more likely source.

Still, at least someone (Reinaldo?) will have got some pleasure from the event. Other than the entire population of the UK, that is.

BB

Lord Mandelson & his kidney stone

2008-10-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

The curse of...

2008-10-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

What do these three men have in common?

Well, there's the obvious, ahem, physical similarity...

But why is it that men with bushy eyebrows have ended up taking the flack for their predecessors' cock-ups? (OK, I suspect Healey deserved it, but... And anyone who is stupid enough to think Gordon Brown is their 'friend' and won't drop them in it, well...)

At least 'Storming' Norman didn't have to go to the IMF with a begging bowl... let's hope that Sam the Eagle doesn't end up in his own version of Life on Mars, circa 1976 (although it would be fucking funny... until it hit my standard of living)

Basically, this is a warning - if you have bushy eyebrows, trim them regularly! Mrs Brennan is getting the tweezers as I speak - I don't know whether to laugh or cry :(

No wonderTeresa Gorman replaced her eyebrows with tattoos...

BB

It's been a long time....

2008-10-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

Apologies for the long time since the last post - I've been away on a, ahem, fact finding trip to the US, and have taken a week to recover from the jetlag. The good news is that it gave me some interesting food for thought / blogging....

More to follow...

BB

Losing Their Religion Too...

2008-09-06T06:36:00.000-07:00

Whilst senior management at the Diocesan Council are as depressing as ever after their summer break - resorting to pleas, nay, begging (!) to the rank and file of priests, nuns and bishops for information as to why we think they're shit! - the Bishop has been cheered up this week by a seeming rebellion rising in the ranks - it appears that the Bishop is far from alone in feeling that he is losing his religion...

One priest is leaving the Bishop's team, having decided that she would rather carry out missionary work in Newcastle or Manchester (!) than continue to work at the Diocesan Council.

This follows the departure of another colleague to join a far more 'liberal' church, also to engage in missionary work.

Another is showing symptoms of the same 'disease'.

And yet another told me on Thursday that he was looking forward to my leaving speech (a little worrying as I have not yet made definitive plans to leave - does he know something I don't?!).

Sometimes it's good to be open about how you really feel - you'd be surprised at the positive reaction and support you receive.

Those in authority need to know when to ~~back~~ fuck off - it was the story of Civil Serf that inspired the Bishop. And, like the Devil, Cranmer and many of my co-religionists, I won't be shut up by wankers in the European Parliament or fuckwits in what appears to now be popularly known as ZaNu Liebour (at least now I understand why it's OK to intervene in Iraq to get rid of a dictator -something the Bishop, to the annoyance of others :-), supported and continues to support, albeit recognising that Cheney et al fucked it up - but not, apparently, in Zimbabwe...)

I see there may even be some more 'Civil Serfs' in need of anger management sessions... (scroll down a bit to find the relevant article - unfortunately, the link doesn't seem to work, but the precis is enough...)

Oh, and lest I forget, note to the senior ~~beggar~~ Archbishop who made the pleas this week:

You're not the problem - at least, from what people around the Council said afterwards, we quite like you!
But the same can't be said for your deputies! Particularly Archbiship D'Inde - apparently, the Bishop is not the only one that thinks he's a total and utter cunt!
So when you do your 'Heartbeat' surveys which ask us what we think, how about asking about different layers of the Curia, rather than lumping yourself with gobshites like D'Inde.
And recognise that we're (at least, mostly) intelligent people - trying to spoonfeed us propoganda is going to make us (even) more cynical. Tell it like it is, be honest - and you'll earn our respect. Just like I and many others have more respect for Cardinal Sam after his comments to The Tablet recently...

A 'vast right-wing conspiracy'

2008-08-31T04:10:00.000-07:00

Sonny Jim writes:

Extensive investigations on my part [Editor's note: 5 minutes on the internet] have revealed the source of the vast right-wing conspiracy in the blogosphere.

During the early 1980s, when many right-wing bloggers were growing up and/or taking the usual student interest in children's programmes after the totally shocking consumption of illicit substances (we liberals would never even dream of doing morally abhorant things like that), the Klu Klux Klan gained access to the airwaves via the BBC children's programme, Fingermouse. As a result of this, a large number of 'Thatcher's children' were indoctrinated with right-wing thinking.

Pictured above, a KKK member (left) and Fingermouse (right)

Now, having allegedly 'grown up', indoctrinated bloggers, such as Guido Fawkes and Devil's Kitchen, have been using their positions of influence in the blogosphere to propogate right-wing slurs, such as the utterly ludicrous claim that the Prime Minister is mentally ill.

Apart from being an appalling thing for any decent, caring person to say - it is not funny to make 'jokes' about serious medical afflictions, which affect 1/3 of people in this country at some point in their lives - it's almost as bad as when another vast right-wing conspiracy, this time in the United States, tried to claim that Bill Clinton was not faithful to his wife... errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................

[Editor's note: At this point, Sonny Jim was forced to put down his orange crayon by some very nice people in white coats, and was taken back to his room, which is so comfortable that even its walls are lovely and soft...].

Wanker of the Week

2008-08-29T14:06:00.001-07:00

Sunny Hundal. Nuff said.

BB

Imagine an audience of c. 80,000...

2008-08-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

A wonderful speech, as heard by David Brooks of the New York Times (hat-tip to a co-religionist).

My favourite part? This:

'We got to know Barack and Michelle Obama, two tall, thin, rich, beautiful people who don’t perspire, but who nonetheless feel compassion for their squatter and smellier fellow citizens. We know that Barack could have gone to a prestigious law firm, like his big donors in the luxury boxes, but he chose to put his ego aside to become a professional politician, president of the United States and redeemer of the human race. We heard about his time as a community organizer, the three most fulfilling months of his life.'

BB

PC nonsense foiled... for now at least...

2008-08-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

Via Cranmer, yet another attempt to undermine English law to favour Muslims...

Fortunately, the Magistrate (and, to be fair, the representative from the local mosque) had more sense than the likes of Harriet Harperson and the other scumbags that seem to be in charge of this country, and didn't allow the thief's alleged 'religion' to determine her fate (as others have said, if she were truly religious, she would at least have had the gumption to face up to her crime, if she had committed it in the first place).

I fear that the verdict will be overturned, however... I wonder why?

Incidentally, a wonderful take on the story of Noah is also on Cranmer's blog. Well worth a read (even if he is a little bit Orange in some of his postings! :-)

BB

Wanker of the Week

2008-08-23T05:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while - so time for another Wanker of the Week.

As usual, there are many candidates amongst the shits that contribute to the 'running' of this country, i.e. running it into the ground so far that, if we had any luck, we'd end up in Australia. Sadly, we seem more likely to end up in Afghanistan...

One potential candidate, although the Bishop confesses to a certain sympathy for him usually, is Boris. This is because of the Bishop's suspicions that Guido is right when he suggests that Boris has sacrificed his deputy who was in charge of reforming Transport for London (TfL), Tim Parker, to the truly evil fat commie bastard, Bob Crowe, ~~Head of Politbureau~~ 'leader' (I thought leaders required character and courage) of the RMT union that regularly holds London to ransom because of TfL management's refusal to wipe their members' arses after their each and every dump. [Does anyone remember Carry On At Your Convenience? Has 'Comrade' Bob based his career on it?]

But, it is clear to the Bishop that Bob Crowe is the truly worthy recipient of the, ahem, not at all prestigious Wanker of the Week award (indeed, the Bishop fears that the award may need to be retired, as the fucker should receive it nearly every week).

Bob Crowe - you are a cunt of the highest order. You think that it is legitimate to seek to overthrow the judgement of democratically-elected politicians by means of blackmail - by abusing your members' monopoly in transporting commuters, tourists, people that need to go to hospital, etc. around London. And impose your views - which make Stalin look like a moderate - on the rest of us. Well, you can go fuck yourself by impaling yourself through the arse on a sharpened flagpole.

And here's how we could really get Crowe to fuck off....

My regular reader will have noted the Bishop's praise for the Competition Commission, following its recent investigation of BAA (where - quelle surprise! - a union has been seeking to block reforms which will benefit consumers).

Well, unions like the RMT are just as guilty as monopolists in business of abuse of a dominant position in a market - so why shouldn't they be subject to the same investigatory and legal powers? The abuse has exactly the same effect.

And when the RMT responds with threats of ~~blackmail~~ strikes, Boris and/or the next Government (the Great Snotgobbler is hardly going to take on his paymasters, now, is he?) should have a plan in place. And that plan should take a leaf out of Reagan's book...

- Fire all the cunts that go on strike.
- Have pre-trained, in secret, a new group of non-unionised drivers / signal workers / etc. in the new EU states - paying them a wage that reflects what people with the appropriate qualifications in the private sector would earn: no more, no less (OK, maybe a premium for having to work underground) - to come and take over their work.
- Pass a new law that means that when public sector unions go on strike in a field where they provide a monopoly service, they have to provide a minimum level of service (as is required of transport workers in that well-known bastion of anti-unionism, France).

And then send that fat cunt Crowe to his paradise in North Korea. Cunt.

Of course, that would require Boris to use his cohones for something other than shagging ~~Petr~~........

BB

Government Gets Something Right Shock!

2008-08-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

Thought that might get your attention...

Of course, it's not any of the parts of Government that are accountable to the Great Snotgobbler...

No, it's the (indepedent) Competition Commission (CC), which has recommended the break-up of BAA, the (near-)monopoly airport operator which owns Gatwick, Heathrow and Stanstead, and Edinburgh and Glasgow Airports. Because, as anyone unfortunate enough to fly from those airports knows, the service it offers is a pile of shit.

What most passengers probably don't know, because BAA's charges are hidden (along with the Government's ridiculous taxes, in the prices charged by airlines for the crime of wishing to leave this rain-sodden, socialist-wrecked piece of shit of a country we live in), is that they have been earning monopoly rents from the excessive charges they have been demanding from airlines. And the 'regulator', the useless Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) has done fuck-all about it.

So the Competition Commission, in its interim report, has demanded the break-up of the BAA monopoly. See - economists can be useful! ;-)

Now, what is the Government going to do about the CAA? Today's press reported that the Dept. of Transport was 'surprised' by the strength of the CC's report - despite the gist of its findings being reported for some time - yet another triumph for the Labour Government, which of course is totally against overly-close relations with Big Business (Bernie Ecc... cough, cough).

What the DoT meant to say was, 'We are going to do fuck all about the CAA because it is doing a wonderful job'. As ever, the Government - like its Great Leader - is 'listening'....

The problem with the CAA, like the water regulator after Ian Byatt left, is that it is too soft on monopolies who provide shit services. Just look at the level of price increases allowed for BAA - 23.5% real, followed by RPI + 7.5% for 4 years (note, not CPI, the supposed real level of inflation reported by the Snotgobbler), in order to pay for British Airways' new, ahem, 'wonderful' T5! And they say that BA is not supported by the Government, as, say, Air France is...

[Incidentally, having seen the CC's original report, the CAA did it's best to ensure its future survival by jumping on the 'break up BAA' bandwagon... what the fuck was it doing before? 'Dr' Harry Bush, its 'Group Director of Economic Regulation', is a political animal (formerly a senior bod at the Treasury, where the Bishop gathers he was responsible for the joys of public-private 'partnerships'... and no, that has nothing to do with gay sex or Harriet Harperson...), so is clearly simply trying to save his - and, maybe, the CAA's - skin.]

I have no problem with good service being rewarded - but the investment must be made first, and the service (whether a more pleasant airport, shorter queues, or less leaks from pipes, etc.) should noticeably improve before price increases are allowed. Not the other way round - otherwise the incentives are all wrong.

And don't get me started on the returns that are allowed on what are, essentially, risk-free investments (because, like the Inland Revenue, 'customers' can't go elsewhere). Why the fuck should we - because it is us, the airlines' customers, who pay for the ~~subsidies to BA~~ increased charges - pay a return that's higher than the risk-free rate on something that we are paying for (as the repayments of loans used to fund investments are factored into the prices allowed, and there is nowhere else for customers to go). Now, when BAA is broken up, we can think again about the appropriate rate of return. But we need to get tough on these cunts.

Rant over :)

Or I thought it was, until I read, in this FT piece, that the unions were opposed to BAA's break-up. Because, of course, some of the biggest beneficiaries of monopolies are unionised workforces (as we saw with the old nationalised industries - and the weeks / months spent waiting to have telephone lines installed, etc.).

If you needed confirmation that the CC are right, this should be it...

BB

Rewards for failure

2008-08-16T02:49:00.000-07:00

A little-noticed announcement from our friends at the Treasury....

Two ~~failures~~ successes from the Financial Services Authority have been appointed to its Board as non-executive directors!

Lady Callum McCarthy and Sir Deidre Hutton, Chairman and 'Deputy Chair' (though, judging from her picture, not even a very desperate person - well, unless they like the 'Butch' look - would want to sit on her....) of the FSA during the great success which is Northern Crock, are being rewarded for their failure by being appointed to the Treasury's Board (although I suppose that, given the way the economy is going, it may be more of a punishment than a reward...).

Now, Nick Macpherson - a Gordon Brown appointment - says that he is looking forward to working with them, and that they will bring 'extensive experience' to their roles. Well, he would have to say that, wouldn't he - he can't exactly say 'extensive experience of fucking up', can he? But it is reward for backing the Treasury is seeking to dump the blame for the Crock on the Bank of England, when in fact it was down to

a) The ill-thought through trilateral arrangements for banking regulation brought in by the great Snotgobbler himself [note that another Brown favourite (in the James I sense?), Tom Scholar, worked on the introduction of that regulation and has now been appointed as Managing Director of the Directorate overseeing the Crock (including a Board role on the Government's first nationalisation in God-only knows how many years)].

b) The FSA's inability to regulate its own bowel movements, yet alone the ex-Nat West fuckups who were running the Crock. They actually agreed to reduce its capital requirements a few months before it went bust, for fuck's sake! Not helped by the Treasury's decision to impose public sector pay controls and headcount reductions on an organisation whose best staff are regularly poached by banks at significantly higher salaries than those offered by the FSA.... Another triumph for Big Government! Hurrah!

I'm sure that Lady McCarthy and the 'deputy' chair (stool?) will add a lot of value...

Lord save us from the cretins that run our country...

BB

Update 27/08/08 : I see the good people at Private Eye have finally caught up with half the story. They should spend more time reading blogs...

Brown off his rocker :)

2008-08-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader

(You might want to scroll down to June 7 for my latest posting... for some reason, most likely the Bishop's technical incompetence, the dates are all buggered up...)

One thing the Bishop has noted during his AWOL has been the references to Gordon the Moron's mental health, e.g. on Guido.

Hasn't he missed an amusing headline opportunity?

Just asking...

BB

A sign of things to come

2008-06-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

Under 'New' Labour, where Sweden goes, the UK follows...

Gordon is known to be a fan of Sweden's social welfare system. So this story is quite alarming.

A little boy didn't invite two of his classmates to his birthday party - one because they weren't friends, the other because there was no reciprocal invitation.

Sounds fair enough? Bloody Hell, sounds pretty generous to me - can you imagine how expensive that is, particularly now that parties are no longer a piece of cake and a game of 'pass the parcel'.

Anyway, the school doesn't think so. Apparently, children have to invite all of their classmates to such a party, in case one of the little darlings gets so upset that they wreak a horrible revenge on 'society', e.g. ~~getting a job as a civil servant or becoming an MP or Government Minister~~ stabbing people, robbery, etc.

So, how has his been resolved? A quiet word from the class teacher? A short note home to the parents? A phone call from the Head?

Well, no. The school has complained to the Swedish Parliament!

And have they told her to sod off? Apparently not. What the fuck next? What the Hell is wrong with these socialist, nannying societies? And when is this going to be transplanted to the UK, now dominated by socialist, nannying twats like Harriet Harperson?

I can't wait - no doubt, when the Bishop's son doesn't want to invite one of his classmates round for tea, we will be prosecuted under the Human Rights Act, and forced to pay the kid compensation. No matter if the kid comes from a chav family, or is a bully or a thief.

What the fuck?

BB

I do hope Gordon...

2008-06-29T05:13:00.000-07:00

is~~n't~~ planning a visit to Germany soon.

Well, what else would they use them for? :)

Wanker of the Week

2008-06-29T04:57:00.000-07:00

Well, there's a lot to choose from...

Wee Wendy
Tory MEPs
Lady Ian Blair

The obvious candidate is Robert Mugabe. But that would be too easy...

This will be controversial :), but Nelson Mandela is a good candidate - why can't he be straightforward and say that Mugabe is a cunt? Not in those words exactly (surely not from St. Nelson?!), but you know what I mean?

But he did at least say something vaguely critical...

Unlike this week's total and utter wanker, Thabo Mbeki.

How many people have to die in Zimbabwe, you total and utter cunt? Do you share Mugabe's twisted, racist views that 'white people and their "Uncle Tom" friends deserve what they're getting'? Do you want South Africa to go the same way? Why do you think so many Zimbabweans have fled to shit lives in your country, where they are threatened by thuggish South Africans (who don't have jobs because of your stupid labour market laws)?

Lest we forget, one of Mugabe's henchmen rejoices, yes rejoices, in the nickname 'Hitler'! If it wasn't so tragic....

Well, the Bishop, as you know, is not normally a fan of Trade Unions, but has to applaud Cosatu for not toeing the line of their ally Mr Mbeki and speaking the truth about Mugabe, and their members who have blocked Chinese shipments of arms, destined for Zimbabwe, from going through South African ports.

And even the next President, Jacob Zuma, who has been accused of rape and accepting bribes - and so is hardly morally impregnable - and worries some in South Africa (the Bishop does not necessarily accept the worst of these worries, and is reassured by some of Zuma's comments) about his likely approach to the Presidency, has vocally condemned Mugabe.

So, Mr Mbeki, when are you going to take action?

I'm sure that it makes no difference to him, but he is this week's Wanker of the Week by miles and miles. The Bishop feels physically sick that he once clapped Mr Mbeki at a speech :(

Pigs in Shit Special?

2008-06-29T04:46:00.000-07:00

Whilst perusing Hansard recently (the wonderful life of a Diocesan Council bureaucrat! :), the Bishop noticed the lobbying efforts of Richard Bacon MP, on behalf of British pig farmers and pork products...

Does the editor of Hansard have a sense of humour? Or does Mr Bacon? The Bishop thinks we should be told...

Either way, the exchanges here demonstrate the ignorance of basic economics of our ~~lords~~ MPs and masters.... Don't expect any changes to the ludicrous CAP from the Tories...

Given the vested interests - and possible financial backing (must look up Mr Bacon's declaration of interests...) - behind this lobbying effort, perhaps this is a special example for Guido's 'Pigs in Shit' ratings system?

The Bishop has lost his appetite for British Bacon - I encourage you to buy Danish....

BB

Europhiles rumbled!

2008-06-28T08:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Reader,

Apologies for the light blogging recently - travel and Mrs B's demands for DIY around the house (despite the Bishop's, ahem, 'differently-abled' DIYing talents... :) have cut into the Bishop's blogging time.

The good news, however, is that the Bishop is able to catch up with things now...

First story: many of you may have noticed this recent gem on the (usually reliably Europhile) BBC website about wonky bananas and overly-bent cucumbers...

Hang on a second! Weren't these things supposed to be myths peddled by evil Eurosceptics?!

Well, no, apparently not. Indeed, it appears that our friends in Brussels have had time to determine the precise required geometry of particular fruits and legumes. For example,

"the difference between the smallest and largest aubergines in the same package must not exceed 20mm for elongated aubergines [and] 25mm for globus aubergines"

What the fuck?! Why do such regulations exist? Are shoppers really so stupid that they would allow themselves to be ripped off by supermarkets on things like this? What happened to caveat emptor?

The reality, as the Bishop has seen at the Diocesan Council, is that the more bureaucrats there are, the more that stupid laws will be created - when people are judged by what they do, and punished for doing nothing (even if it is the most sensible thing to do), who can blame them for doing it?

Nor is the claim in the above link that legislation on bananas was sought by the industry is no excuse. Given that companies are not normally big fans of extra legislation (because it means higher costs), the question that needs to be asked is why would they actually want more legislation. The answer, of course, is to squeeze out potential new entrants or increase costs for smaller competitors.... Again, another cost of too many civil servants is that it increases the number of people in positions of power that can be 'captured' by vested interests.

So, when Europhiles claim that 'there are actually very few civil servants in Brussels', I suggest you send them this post, and ask them to justify the waste of time, food (that gets thrown away) and resources (e.g. the significant pay of the Eurocrats involved, not to mention the costs of enforcing these stupid rules to taxpayers and consumers).

The answer is to follow the usual rule of thumb with regard to the EU, i.e. to tell them to go forth and preferably not multiply :)

What makes this even worse, as the Al-Beeb article makes clear, is that the stupid tossers in Brussels want to respond to the current 'Global Food Crisis' (a result of monstrous stupidities such as the Common Agricultural Policy) by adding even more bureaucracy to the mess:

'The Commission says misshapen fruit should be sold "with some sort of label for use in cooking"'

Well, that sounds like a sound basis for legislating! Perhaps we should ask the people who wrote the Dangerous Dogs Act to help in drafting it?

Suggestions in the comments about the definition of 'label' for the legislation would be most welcome... The Bishop will then forward them to Brussels, in a spirit of 'solidarity' with our 'fellow European ~~serfs~~ citizens'.

BB

Support the Devil!

2008-06-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

Not something the Bishop normally says, of course, but....

Blows for Freedom

2008-06-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

Friday the 13th - the Curse is Lifted! As Mrs T once said, Rejoice, Rejoice!

How proud the Irish should be*. After David Davis struck a first blow for freedom yesterday (on which I may blog later, although others have already done so wonderfully, particularly DK and Guido), another blow was struck today.

God willing, may these be the first of many!

*The Bishop should make it clear that he is half-Irish, but cannot claim any credit, as he failed to gain citizenship in time to vote. If those cunts in the Commission think they can try again to reverse a democratic verdict (as with Nice and Maastricht), I hope I will be joined by many in the UK who have been denied a vote by that lying sod Brown but are entitled to Irish citizenship in applying for it, and then voting for a 'No'...

The new 'Axis of Evil'?

2008-06-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

Everyone has heard of the Axis of Evil so beloved of George W Bush. But one part of that Axis - Saddam Hussein - is dead. That leaves Iran, Syria, Hezbollah, and North Korea (although there are signs that the latter is gradually moving...). All of them are, of course, complete ***** (censored by Mrs Brennan...;)

However, the Bishop has come across worrying news about the formation of a new 'Axis'.

What is particularly concerning is that this axis involves Italy and is led by someone called 'Adolf'. And it involves French collaboration... :) Now where have I heard that one before???

Italy and France. Fucking selfish, ignorant bastards (sorry Mrs B! :), who want to keep poor countries poor and screw European consumers... and their own economies into the bargain...

What a wonderful 'vision' to inspire us to believe them about the ~~EU Constitution~~ 'Lisbon Treaty'...

BB

Update: As Jon Stewart pointed out on the (wonderful) Daily Show last night, the original Axis of Evil has been reduced to just Iran, now that North Korea has ~~successfully blackmailed~~ succumbed to the US. Perhaps Mr Bush could now focus on this new Axis...

Wankers of the Century (Special Edition)

2008-06-11T14:22:00.001-07:00

What do you think of Gordon and his new 'friends' in the ~~Dumbass~~ 'Democratic' Unionist Party (DUP)?

Personally, I think they are utter CUNTS.

These are the people that go on, at tedious length, about being 'British'.

Well, of course, as the Bishop has pointed out before, they are Scottish. And this might explain why they couldn't give a flying fuck about the ~~British~~ English values of freedom founded on Magna Carta. And they left Scotland before the great Scottish defenders of freedom - no, not William Wallace (who bore no relation to the crap personified by the Jew-hating Mel Gibson), but Adam Smith, JS Mill, etc.

And, as is traditional with Scots and the Scots in Northern Ireland, our wonderful leader has, no doubt, bunged even more English taxpayers' money at Northern Ireland in order to pass a vote to reduce our freedoms. Truly, could there ever be a truer example of a deal with the being that Ian Paisley actually worships (clue: it's no God of mine)?

Just to be clear, courtesy of our TV ~~tax~~ licence, here is a list of those who have betrayed you, me and the whole of the UK:

Gregory Campbell, Nigel Dodds, Jeffrey Donaldson, The Rev William McCrea, The Rev Ian Paisley, Iris Robinson, Peter Robinson, David Simpson, Sammy Wilson

Frankly, the word 'wanker' doesn't suffice for these morons. Not only do they have blood on their hands for the years of conflict in Northern Ireland that could have been solved if they had agreed to give Catholics civil rights. Now, they are likely to radicalise Muslims because of renewed internment (it was such a success in Northern Ireland, after all...), resulting in more murders of innocent people. Burning in Hell isn't good enough for them.

In a so-called democracy, when we have to rely on the House of Lords to protect us from this Government of scoundrels from internment and from an EU treaty which few in this country actually want, the Bishop is left wondering why he should bother to vote. But that's what they want - we need to vote these assholes out...

BB

Update: Martin Kelly has posted on this too. So, although we won't agree on the Scottish element of my comments, we do agree on some things! :) And the comments are worth reading too.

Archbishop D'Inde

2008-06-07T05:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader (if you're still here...),

First, apologies for the non-blogging of late. Partly because I've been on a leave of absence, and partly because I'm a lazy sod... :( But I hope my forthcoming posts will make up for it...

The Bishop has been upsetting some at the Diocesan Council recently, particularly Archbishop D'Inde and his cronies...

Archbishop D'Inde is in day-to-day charge of the Council's investments. Now, whilst he seems to do extremely well at 'managing relationships' with banks - well, no shit, I mean they want our money! - he seems to have dug himself in something of a hole with some of his investment decisions, although, to be fair, Cardinal Sam and the Pope himself share a great deal of the blame.

In particular, D'Inde et al have invested a very large proportion of the Diocese's funds into one particular institution, and claimed that it was a zero-risk investment... and then adopted an investment policy based on the same strategy for the future. Whilst the Bishop objected loudly, and a few others quietly, most in the Diocesan Council didn't dare question D'Inde's approach...

Unfortunately, some (rather sick looking) chickens appear to have come home to roost:

As the Bishop mentioned ages ago, his ~~willingness~~ foolishness to openly question D'Inde has been severely punished, with the Diocese's first openly-female archbishop, Archbishop Kerry, together with D'Inde, coming down on BB like a ton of bricks... despite D'Inde later backing down on some of his most foolish policy decisions. The lesson for anyone thinking of dissenting from received (from above) wisdom in future is clear...
At the same time, the Cardinal has been musing on the lack of experience amongst the more senior clergy... this may be linked to the last point, a culture encouraged by his Eminence's predecessor. The Cardinal is apparently concerned that this may underpin some of the problems in the Diocese and the Diocesan Council. No shit, Sherlock! However, nothing will be done about it whilst the current senior clergy are in place (note to Cardinal Sam's successors (Archbishop Ozzie is apparently in the frame): you'll need to clear out a lot of people - replace them from outside the Diocesan Council...)
Oh, and the financial outcome... what was 'risk-free' is apparently very high risk... I fear that £3bn is not the last we'll hear of it...

Oh well. The parishioners will simply have to put their hands in their pockets again. Tithes to rise significantly... but it will be the Cardinal's successor who will be left to do so, and sort out the mess (let's hope there isn't an appeal to Rome again, like there was in the 70s, when the Diocesan Council last fucked up on such a scale...).

And Archbishop D'Inde will no doubt receive a fat bonus and a promotion for his efforts (Archbishop Kerry already has... :(

BB

Wankers of the Week

2008-06-07T03:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers (that is, if you haven't gone back to being 'Reader'...),

A very thoughtful post (as ever) by Snuffleupagus on the education system, how many teachers leave it very quickly after starting, and the sheer dishonesty of the Government's claims that education standards are rising.

This only demonstrates the point of the Bishop's previous post making the (admittedly, rather obvious, but still, sadly, necessary) point that throwing money at something is no solution.

Now, to be balanced (OK, so not something the Bishop is always accused of), it does appear that primary education has improved over the last 10 years, although the Bishop would attribute this to a focus on the basics of literacy and numeracy, rather than money (although primary teachers were pretty badly paid, at least in the South-East, and this did need improving). And this was after years of the answer being obvious - not a tribute to the Tories, but hardly one to the civil servants advising them.

But secondary and university education.... what the fuck? Will someone in what used to be known as the DfES, and is now known as the Dept for Cocksuckers, Socialists and Fascists (DCSF) and the Dept for Innovation, Universities and Skills (DIUS) fucking visit some schools and universities and grasp what is happening. [BTW, don't DCSF and DIUS sound like rather nasty venereal diseases? The Bishop can imagine - Doctor: 'I'm afraid you have a very nasty case of DIUS. I'm very sorry, but there is no hope of a cure...']

DCSF is, of course, also responsible for a wide range of nonsensical Government policies, e.g. parents being sent to prison for smacking their children, PC nonsense which is leading to the closure of Catholic Adoption Agencies, social workers being sent to middle-class homes so as not to 'penalise' the underclass, etc. And, last but not least, the fiction that academic and vocational courses can be brought onto a 'level playing field' if you call them both a 'Diploma'. [Why can't we restore A Levels to the gold standard that they once were, and put much of the money wasted by Gordon the Moron into a decent system combining apprenticeships and formal education for non-academic kids from 14 onwards? Would that really be too hard? Really?!]

That is why the Bishop is nominating the entire staff at the 'DCSF' for the award of Wanker of the Week. To be honest, 'wanker' is hardly enough for a bunch of Commie twats that are literally wrecking the life chances of a large number of kids. But the Bishop has no power to do anything else (other than pray, of course - never discount the power of prayer!), so this is his small contribution... :(

BB

No shit, Sherlock...

2008-06-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/jun/01/justice.ukcrime

Why is this a surprise? When will socialists learn? Throwing money at problems doesn't solve them.

That's why the Libertarian Party can safely promise to reverse course on spending, reduce spending levels to pre-Gordon Brown days, and abolish income tax - it's all been wasted. From 50%+ salary increases for doctors, who work less, to the extra Inland Revenue staff needed to dole people's money back to them via tax 'credits' to virtually everything these morons have done to this country.

And those morons at the Observer say: let the fuckers go!

What the fuck? A welfare state that has infantilised the poor; released criminals early and given murderers 5 seconds in jail and more human rights than the law-abiding; made people think that they deserve to have their annual holiday in the sun, even if they have done fuck all in terms of work; welcomed in Islamists who want to kill us and paid them to do so: and taken money from genuine 'hard working families' and singles to pay for all the waste, and now condemns people to death for having the nerve to pay for part of their treatment for themselves, all in the name of 'equality'...

FUCK OFF! YOU FUCKING CUNTS.

Voters of Henley - you want to send a message to Gordon the Moron? Vote Libertarian!

Bishop Brennan, 'Spineless Coward'?

2008-06-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

As either of you might have seen, the Bishop has had something of a run-in (second post down, as of 1 June) with a rather aggressive Scot (a Unionist of all things - I had thought they were largely extinct, so perhaps I should regard myself as privileged...). Unfortunately, he took exception to one of my comments on Devil's Kitchen - and I have apologised, given that he clearly is not used (or cannot get used) to some of the rude nature of the Blogosphere, even though he writes on the Kitchen...*

What surprised the Bishop most, however was that he described me as a 'spineless coward'. Apparently, this is because I blog under a pseudonym. Clearly, that would make Eric Blair (aka George Orwell) a spineless coward. Strange logic, given that he fought in the Spanish civil war, but I guess it takes all sorts...

However, it has introduced me to the wonders of Mr Kelly's blog. And what wonders they are! Apparently, economics, with its belief in 'turbocharged capitalism', is completely counter to Catholicism**! As both a Catholic and an economist, the Bishop finds this assertion puzzling. Economics can provide a guide as to how best to maximise welfare, i.e. improve the lives of everyone. It is those who ignore its lessons - the former Soviet Union (hardly a friend of the Catholic Church), say, or North Korea, or even France - that wreck the lives of the poor and needy, and increase their number. For example, France's antipathy to Free Trade (shared by Mr Kelly) directly increases poverty in developing countries, by screwing over poor farmers and increasing the volatility of food prices (as we are seeing at present). It is people like Mr Kelly, who wish to turn back the tide away from Free Trade, who are behaving in a way that is inconsistent with Catholicism, by condemning the poor to a continued existence in poverty.

What has become of the land of Adam Smith and JS Mill, reduced to an existence on the coat-tails of England, reliant on oil that won't last forever and protectionism against evil Norwegian salmon farmers?! I think that Mr Kelly illustrates the root cause some of Scotland's problems, including (despite his protestations - judging by the survey results shown on his sight - to be a 'conservative') his socialism. The sooner England is rid of the Socialist Republic of Scotland, and the moronic socialist politicians and would-be dictators that it sends to Westminister, the better. And the Scots can pay the £billions a year in support for the descendants of Scots in Northern Ireland, sent there by a Scottish King, James VI (I of England). Remember - it was that asshole who began the rape of England for the benefits of Scots [who could forget his 'Master of the Wardrobe' (bum chum - James' strict Calvinist upbringing clearly had no impact on his proclivities - can anyone think of a modern Scottish leader who is like that?...), James Hay, with his motto of 'Spend and God Will Send'].

BB

*To be honest, the police are unlikely to be interested in my comment (given e.g. that they ignore the multiple comments made about Gordon Brown on DK, Guido, etc.), although they might not like my comments about Islam on this blog...

**This is rather reminiscent of Tony Blair's claim at one time that it was impossible to be a Conservative and a Christian. He should know...

Wanker of the Week

2008-05-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

The Bishop has found a candidate who has long deserved the accolade...

Step forward (hopefully into the line of sight of a very accurate sniper)... Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela.

This article in last week's edition of The Economist (yes, I know it's a bit out of date, but there can be only one wanker of the week, and Chavez has long-merited the award...) highlights further details long since suspected by those who view Mr Chavez - lauded by London's ex-Mayor, Ken 'I'm not an alcoholic, honest guv' Livingslime - as third only behind Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong Il as a totally irredeemable cunt of the highest order. Namely, that he has been providing financial and other support to a terrorist organisation, the FARC, operating in Colombia (which apparently deserves the resulting terror because its citizens have the gall to vote for - and re-elect - a mildly right-wing President on the obviously unsound basis that he has made the country safer from the FARC).

Now the FARC are a lovely bunch. For a long while, they made Colombia one of the most dangerous places in the world. Kidnappings, murder, etc. - you name it, they've done it. All in the name of an ideology that has shown itself to be entirely bankrupt, morally, economically, environmentally (ironically for all the left-wing twats that sympathise with it - remember the pollution in East Germany, Mr Livingslime?*), etc.

And, as Venezuela experiences the joys of inflation and spends its windfall oil income on arms from Russia and the 'poor' of London (obviously very poor compared to the poor of Venezuela...), its Government has been providing support to these wonderful members of FARC. It also appears that support, of a kind, has been provided by Sen. Chavez' co-'revolutionaries' in Equador. And then both countries have the nerve to criticise Colombia for killing FARC leaders who are based in Equador, mobilising troops and threatening war!

Hugo Chavez - wanker of the week. 'Nuff said.

*This merely illustrates that the environmental bandwagon which the lefties have jumped on is a rather convenient 'truth' - they have failed to impose their will on us in the West by democratic means or by showing that it works, and will now try to take us back to the Dark Ages by this means. Not that I think that there is no possibility that 'Climate Change' is happening, simply that I am not convinced that it is entirely man-made, nor that the proposed solutions are the right ones. But that's for another rant... In fact, DK does it better than I ever could...

A blow for freedom?

2008-05-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7420907.stm

"In 1983, in the streets of London, a parade by Muslims chanted incessantly 'If we can take London, we can take the world'" Is this true? If so, then current events are even more alarming than the Bishop had feared...

Discuss....

BB

Wanker of the Week

2008-05-24T04:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Reader,

Yes, it's that time of the week again when the Bishop has to decide which of the cretins in the news deserves the award of Wanker of the Week...

With a hat-tip to an anonymous contributor on Order-Order, this week's wanker is....

The policeman who told a motorist to remove an England flag from his car 'because it might offend immigrants'.

Now, the Bishop can understand the police not being happy if a flag is placed in a position where it might obscure the view of the driver. And he is well aware of the risk that someone with an Engerrland flag hanging from their car might be a semi-literate chav who thinks it is funny to spit at 'foreigners' via the car window (which they, amusingly, forget to wind down - except when they've got shite 'techno' music blaring out to show just how 'hard' and 'wiv it' they are).

This chap may be a chav. But he simply had a flag draped over some speakers in the back of his car (OK, so he may well be one of those twats that blasts 'techno' out of his car). And that's hardly something worthy of police attention, given the level of real crime in this country.

What kind of fucking bullshit is this? If it were a Pakistan flag or an Indian one, or a Polish one, would that have happened? Errr.... the Bishop will leave you to answer that one.

What it is is yet another example of the politicisation of the police - and wider public services - over the last 11 years: whilst it is good if people become genuinely less xenophobic, homophobic, and all the other 'phobics' - the Bishop, like any sane person, wants to live in a free society - this is heavy-handed thought policing of the style so-beloved of useless bureautwats like Lady Ian Blair.

Talking of Lady Ian - Boris: when are you going to ask him to fuck off, errr... I mean resign?

BB

Calvinist nonsense

2008-05-18T02:34:00.000-07:00

Whilst leaving the Diocesan Council one evening during the recent local elections (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahha.... sorry, couldn't resist :), the Bishop decided to take a shortcut through the part of the Council's building occupied by the Calvinists (you know, the ones that can't add up or store data safely...).

After crossing himself 3 times and saying 5 Hail Marys, the Bishop crossed the threshold...

Now, the Bishop had understood that the Calvinists have always promoted the value of hard work, not least because they get a cut of the resulting increase in income (of course, as recent threats to leave Craggy Island by some of our companies and wealthy individuals suggest, the problem is that the Calvinists, like our dear Pope, fail to understand that there are limits to tithing, beyond which only rather thick 'pop stars' will continue to pay...).

Imagine, therefore, the Bishop's shock at seeing a poster entitled 'Use your vote and keep out the Far Right', the hidden message, of course, being 'and vote Labour', given that the BNP are only a threat in previously Labour-held seats. Because only the terminally stupid would vote Labour :) Yes, that's you, Polly Toynbee!

This raises a number of interesting questions for the Bishop, including:

1. The Bishop had understood that the Calvinists were under the same obligations as the Diocesan Council as regards political expression at work. Clearly, this cannot be the case - do their tithe-payers know about this? If this is a general policy against extremism, why did it not say 'and the far-Left' - after all, gobshites like George 'I salute your indefatigability' Galloway would be just as damaging in power as the BNP.

2. Why do morons insist on calling the BNP 'far right'? As its last manifesto shows, it is clearly a left-wing party, with lots of extra state involvement, e.g. in providing mortgages to doctors and nurses(!), a pledge of greater support for a taxpayer-funded NHS, a Mercantilist approach to trade, its commitment to reducing income inequality, its commitment to 'rebuilding manufacturing'... need I go on?

And, of course, racism has historically been far greater amongst Labour supporters and Trade Unionists than amongst other parts of the population - reflecting both stupidity and the concern that immigrants will 'take their jobs' - hence Gordon Brown's dog-whistle - and meaningless - 'British Jobs for British Workers' statement, intended to appeal to his own party's voters.*

But perhaps, it illustrates most of all the low quality of many who work for the various Churches in the UK, and their overwhelming lack of diversity in thinking, even though they are all united in promoting 'diversity' in its shallowest, skin-deep sense. This makes the Bishop wonder: who are the real racists?

One thought for the day, anyway...

BB

*There is, of course, a delicious irony in the fact that the Labour Party is in many ways a prisoner of support from the growing Muslim part of the electorate... hence policies designed to screw the interests of traditional Labour voters, e.g. getting the police to crack down hard on anyone who dares to question the wonderfulness of Mohammed, focussing community spending on ethnic minority groups (remember Lee Jasper anyone? In certain northern towns, his equivalents are from the Muslim ummah), and the coup de grace, the masterstroke of postal voting, which has introduced Pakistani and Bangladeshi political practices to Craggy Island.

Things to make you angry...

2008-05-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

2 posts on the same day! Truly, the Bishop is spoiling you! :)

After a positive story (helped by a few glasses of a very decent Chateau Reynella 1999 Aussie Shiraz), the Bishop's angry side felt the need to be expressed...

So, how about this?

In brief, the story is about how the police and the Crown Prosecution Service falsely claimed that a Channel 4 show about Islamic extremists was 'heavily edited', in order to try to discredit evidence produced by that show about preachers of hate of extremism.

This leads to a few questions:

1. What were the motives of the police and the CPS? Why did they make false allegations? Is there going to be an investigation and public explanation of their actions? Errr, that'll be a no then...

2. What have they done about the extremists involved? Or do they continue to be free to preach that non-Muslims should be bombed, etc.? Errr... what's the betting that that's a yes?

3. How is such preaching going to be prevented in the future? Does anyone in the police / CPS give a shit? After all, this is what inspired the London bombings... Or will they only care when the Dear Leader / the Royal Family are targeted? Rhetorical question...

4. This has cost the public purse a fine of £100,000, plus legal costs. Are the police officers and officials concerned going to pay this? Are they going to be fired? Or are they going to retire early on 'ill health' grounds, on a full pension? The Bishop is only guessing, but the first two seem unlikely. And the latter odds on.

And then the muppets of the commentariat wonder why people vote for the BNP... As a libertarian, this makes me fucking furious - simply enforcing the law properly would go a long way towards making sure that those socialist cunts never made it near council seats, etc. But then, why would the socialists who control police policy and the CPS care about that? ;(

And, sad to say it, I doubt the Tories, at least under the current leadership which believes in something called 'social justice'*, would make much difference...

BB

*If you don't understand this comment, try reading Hayek.

The REAL king of rock

2008-05-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

At last! Something decent on the BBC website... I kid you not.

A story about the third annual tribute to Bon Scott, the original (recorded) singer in AC/DC, and one of the greatest voices (and senses of humour) in rock music.

2010 will be the 30th anniversary of his tragic death - the Bishop hopes that it is marked with one Hell of a piss-up. At least he didn't end up like some of the tired, clapped out rock stars who are reduced to reality television appearances or, even worse, churning out shite (the honourable exception being the great Neil Young, of course).

If you have never listened to Highway to Hell, you have truly missed out...

BB

Wanker of the Week*

2008-05-13T12:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Reader

In response to your insatiable demand, I have deigned to write another post. Well, actually, I've been enjoying Craggy Island's unseasonably pleasant weather, which will no doubt end tomorrow, and so I haven't been arsed to post recently...

But I've been catapulted into action by this press release from the National Farmers Greedy Fuckers Union.

Now, my Reader may have assumed from some of my rantings elsewhere in the Blogosphere - and, of course, the LPUK link on this blog - that I am not a big fan of the current administration. But it is hard to disagree with the Chancellor's arguments on the EU's 'Common Agricultural Policy', or CAP - otherwise known as the 'Transfer from Britain, the Netherlands and Germany to France and other Thieving Southern European Scum Policy' - as set out in yesterday's FT...

Unless, of course, you are a complete and utter CUNT.

Do you support screwing over developing country farmers, and, indeed, stopping any rural development in those countries? Do you support screwing over consumers by making them pay over the odds for food, whilst at the same time making them pay for vast subsidies to farmers through their taxes. Do you support making sure that the vast majority of those subsidies go to farmers who are already rather wealthy - i.e. making a regressive transfer from the productive

The Bishop's new - and unexpected - hero: Sam the Eagle

middle class to unproductive greedy fuckers (the poor don't actually pay as they live on welfare anyway, so the extra cost to them is really another tax on the middle class)?

You do?! Then you must support the CAP. And ergo you are a CUNT: Cap-supporting, useless, nob-eating tosser.

Now, the GFU press release tries to pretend that it is in favour of CAP reform. As do its friends in Defra. But they don't really support reform - hence their press release. What they want is for their Friends in France to do their dirty work for them. And therefore the UK Government, including Sam the Eagle, must not do anything to make the French think that there is actually a demand for real reform of the CAP, as opposed to posturing to keep the British electorate happy that 'we would like to reform it, we really would, but those Bastard Frogs won't let us'. That would never do!

Of course the GFU likes the CAP - hence the wish for 'gradual' reform, i.e. no reform. That is why it is full of CUNTs.

That means you, GFU President Peter Kendall. You are truly a wanker.

And that is why I am proposing you as the inaugural Wanker of the Week.

Congratu-fucking-lations. Now - time to celebrate - go hang yourself from that fucking tree in your farmyard, you gobshite, you pinprick, you... oh just go to Hell.

God bless you for listening, dear Reader. Now, where's that glass of communion wine...

*With apologies to that shite late-night Channel 4 show of a few years ago that had a similar prize. I couldn't be arsed to make up a new one...

Church politics...

2008-04-25T12:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

After another wonderful week of work at the Diocesan Council, the Bishop feels the need to let it all out...

Whilst those who work in business can expect to be at the end of a little office politics from time to time, I wonder if it gets anything like as vicious as Church politics? A few years ago, the Diocesan Council introduced a delightful approach called 'relative appraisal', under which, at the end of the year, the performance of priests, monks, nuns and bishops is assessed against that of their colleagues. The result: a race of 'survival of the fittest' which would shock a piranha! Whilst our Scientologist neighbours across the road have simply to be from public school / Oxbridge and be able to at least pretend to be gay in order to receive a top 'box marking'; and our Calvinist friends who share some of our block have to be able to spell properly (though not, of course, add up or store records correctly - that would never do...), we are required to bullshit for a living.

When, therefore, our flock wonder why our finance department holds its funds at the Northern Rock and invested in an Equitable Life pension fund, our maintained schools seem unable to teach pupils, donations meant to care for the poor so often end up in the hands of the lazy, feckless and/or criminal, and the costs of caring for the sick and elderly in Church hospitals / hospices has risen enormously with little apparent benefit, they need to bear this in mind: we have become so adept at bullshitting that:

Many of us believe the bullshit ourselves.
Even if we don't believe it, only the foolhardy (here, unfortunately, is the Bishop's problem) dare to point out that it is brown, sticky, comes out of the back end of a cow, and doesn't smell very nice...
At which point, the foolhardy are told that they are not acting in a 'collegial' fashion, are simply ignored or are bullied into shutting up (or, in the Bishop's case, a mix of all 3...).
And only the BS experts stand any chance of ever making it into the College of Cardinals - hence nearly everyone aims to be a BS expert, rather than focussing on their vocation, be it developing better ways of helping the poor, improving standards of teaching in maintained schools, running the Church's investment portfolio in the best way possible, etc.
Thus, the Diocesan Council, which is supposed to be committed to 'diversity', actually only attracts one-dimensional, 'cookie-cutter' 'yes-men' (and 'yes-women'), exacerbating the problem of low stipends which means that the Diocesan Council is disproportionately upper-middle class (or higher), and has no staff (even those from ethnic minority backgrounds) who have any experience of the social problems faced by the poorer members of our flock. This is why their answers to every challenge always involve more control by the Diocese and higher tithes.
And those who are genuinely committed to their vocation move to another Diocese, join another Church, or turn to alcohol.

Where will the Bishop end up?

God bless you for listening... Now, where's that nice bottle of communion wine... :)

BB

Appraisal for beginners

2008-04-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while - it's appraisal time at the Diocesan Council, and therefore time to write my objectives for the past year, so that the Bishop (Senior Grade) can fully appraise my religious activities and fitness to continue my Ministry.

Not that this will tell me anything new...

1. The Bishop is very strong in his study and analysis of the Bible and other religious texts.
2. The Bishop gets on very well with most members of the Diocese (although he must resist making up nicknames for staff from the Vatican Bank, even if only in private: it shows a lack of Christian charity and respect for the cerebrally challenged).
3. The Bishop provides appropriate support to the priests and nuns in his pastoral care.

And:

4. The Bishop sometimes expresses views that do not fit with orthodox thought - 'whilst this provides welcome challenge in some contexts [i.e. 'we wish he would shut up and stop with his nonsense about 'evidence'!'], the Bishop must take greater care in how he expresses such views.'

Translation: if the Bishop wishes to retain his current role, let alone become a Bishop (Senior Grade), he must not challenge the views of his colleagues, especially those that are more senior, and therefore infallible.

Thus the traditional Church Orthodoxy is preserved, unaltered and in all its glory, throughout the generations (well, since the 1960s at least). Unless, of course, it conflicts with the latest views on 'social justice', gender, class, race, and sexuality (together known as 'Liberation Theology') from those renowned experts at Neasdon University*.

At least the Bishop has the consolation of a decent bottle of altar wine to look forward to this evening..... no wonder many of his predecessors ended up like Father Jack...

*Formerly, The Neasdon College for Morons with a single Grade C in GCSE Media Studies.

Anal Retention

2008-03-31T14:15:00.000-07:00

Another wonderful day for the Bishop at the Diocesan Council...

The Bishop has been informed that, from now on, a 'clear desk' policy will apply. Given the Council's archaic methods for locking papers away, this means that the Bishop will be forced to go into its deep underground vaults to retrieve all papers, ranging from his doodlings during 3 hour meetings to his musings on the latest theological journals, to his thoughts for next Sunday's sermon.

Now, the Bishop understands that, when he is writing a speech for the Cardinal, or when he is drafting a Sunday sermon on ecumenical relations for the Archbishop, he needs to lock it away, lest it end up in the hands of the Tablet before it is released.

But he does not understand why anything else needs to be subject to Top Secret procedures (although he is led to believe that the Scientologists across the road won't even allow doodles to be left out - apparently even these are 'sensitive, but unclassified').

Unfortunately, the Head of Security at the Diocesan Council - let's call him Woody Woodpecker, not least given that he is as annoying as the irritating cartoon character - obviously has a problem with anyone who does not share his fascination with filing. The anal 'pecker clearly had to ruin the Bishop's day by forcing his stamp-collecting views on everyone else...

Whilst this is symptomatic of wider problems at the Council - which tends to promote automaton types who demonstrate strict adherence to orthodox theology, rather than demonstrating any true connection with Our Lord or any ability to empathise with the daily challenges faced by the faithful - the Bishop had hoped that a possible future change at the Vatican might - just - lead to some changes. Tonight, however, the Bishop is losing hope that such change will happen in time, before any clergy capable of relating to those they serve are forced to abandon their Faith...

The Bishop will be meditating on the Meaning of Gethsemane tonight...

The taste of Gordon Brown

2008-03-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't a reference to his, or his wife's, dress sense...

In fact, it refers to Synaesthesia, a condition where people mix the senses, so that numbers have particular colours, or sounds carry particular smells (ahem, no flatulence jokes please...*).

According to the BBC, the President of the UK Synaesthesia Association, one James Wannerton, finds that words and sounds have a particular taste associated with them.

Note that the story's headline refers to the 'taste of George Bush' ('like the crusty potato bit on top of a cottage pie', which is transformed into the headline 'George Bush "like crusty potato"'), whilst the photograph illustrating the piece mentions that Gordon Brown 'tastes like Marmite'.

Now, the Bishop doesn't like to put the BBC down**, but the description of George Bush could be read as an - admittedly rather feeble - attempt to slag off the dear Pres of the good old U.S. of A. From the BBC? Surely not?! Just to make sure, shall we check to see what Mr Wannerton actually says about our beloved leader? Let's!

Gordon Brown leaves me with a very strong taste of dirt and Marmite, so he shouldn't count on getting my vote. [My emphasis]

Right. So the 'politically unbiased' and 'entirely neutral' BBC twists a comment about George W, whilst underplaying what Mr Wannerton says about Gordy, all because he didn't say that Gordy smells of roses, and therefore deserves to be elected life President. Hmmmm... remind me again why we pay a tax, I mean 'licence fee', for this drivel?

Enough about Al-Beeb.

Well, others have commented on Gordy's personal hygiene, so perhaps the 'strong taste of dirt' is unsurprising. Ditto for all those who, like the Bishop, think that Marmite is probably produced from another substance which is brown and sticky (Oooops! There's my Scatologicia again!).

Anyway, the Bishop would like to ask his Reader what other politicians (and even celebrities) might taste of - answers in the comments please. Here's a few to start off with:

Alistair Darling - a tasteless vegetable of some kind?
Patricia Hewitt - leaves a taste of carbolic soap in the mouth
Caroline Flint - cheap bubblegum?
M Sarkozy - cheese / garlic (no stereotypes there, then...)
Mme Sarkozy - caviar!
William Hague - Yorkshire bitter
David Cameron - toffee

You get the idea...

Prizes: the Bishop will say a few prayers for the winner at Sunday Mass.

*Mrs Brennan is always telling the Bishop that he lowers the tone of conversations at every opportunity. Unfortunately, as the Bishop keeps reminding her, he suffers from a condition known as 'Scatologicia', the inability to resist making a joke about anything related to the back passage. Like all modern Craggy Islanders with 'issues', the Bishop blames it on his parents.

** Actually, that statement contains about as much truth as the famed dossier on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

Who said the unions were dead?

2008-03-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

Interesting stories today on Devil's Kitchen and Iain Dale about trade unions (trains and education respectively). The Bishop has tried to engage in some debate on this with Norfolk Blogger and a new favourite, To Miss with Love. He must also confess to some prejudices here, in part stemming from a (pub) conversation held some years ago with someone who was then working on education policy at the Diocesan Council.

The Bishop, then a lowly priest, was living across the river from Chav-ville, in what Dr Michael Nazir-Ali might call Islam-No-Go-Tiny-Village. On learning where the person in question worked, the Bishop had the temerity to remark that, were he to have children, there would be as much chance of him sending them to a local school as there might be of Gordon Brown coming out as gay and having been in a relationship with Peter Mandelson, with a rocking horse as the third member of the menage-a-trois*. Well, the Bishop was blown away by the venom of the response, which was basically along the lines of, 'You are not doing your social duty if you do not send your children to the local schools: how will those schools ever get better if people like you don't send your kids there?'.

Unfortunately, at that time, the Bishop had not learned that arguing with a lefty is as futile as expecting banks' shareholders, rather than taxpayers, to bear the burden of their employees' mistakes. He suggested that competition and vouchers, as used to help poor blacks, I mean 'African-Americans', in Chicago might help. Or perhaps the reintroduction of grammar schools, combined with properly-resourced secondary moderns and decent vocational qualifications that offered an alternative to academic subjects.

I leave it to you, my dear Reader**, to imagine the reaction...

Amazingly enough, the Bishop escaped with only minor damage (a broken eardrum and a wet patch on his crotch, the latter entirely due to wetting himself laughing :) ).

Anyway... I seem to have gone somewhat off the point. Ahhh, yes... unions.

Well, the Bishop is a member of the Premier Clerical Union, which has 'moderate' Nu-Labour leanings, although it does not make political donations ('render unto Caesar' and all that...). But this is only in case he is brought before a Consistory Court - he has no desire to have his retirement determined by the nationally-mandated age of 75, and is quite happy to negotiate his own pay with the Diocesan Council or, indeed, the Vatican HR Dept. (should Craggy Island give up more of its powers to the latter; there may be some attractions - for the Bishop, although probably not for his flock - from this; the Bishop understands that they pay a decent stipend and are quite happy to increase the tithe to its more traditional 23% level, found in the Old Testament).

So, perhaps those opposed to unions allegedly standing up for them - when in fact they stand up for nonsense such as national wage bargaining, retirement at 33 3/4, a 2-day week, etc. - should set up their own organisation to provide support in employment tribunals, advice on investments and pensions, etc.? And then negotiate their own terms and conditions, with public sector employers copying their private counterparts and paying according to market conditions.

And unions that seek to abuse monopolistic powers (esp. the gits that ruin the Bishop's daily commute in Gotham) should be subject to the same anti-monopoly laws faced by businesses. Even France requires that transport unions provide some service when on strike - if the cheese-eating surrender monkeys can manage it, surely so can Craggy Island!

*which is, of course, a ridiculous idea.

** My apologies for the assumption that anyone is actually reading my rants. This is really just a space for me to vent my spleen of the frustrations built up from my daily work Ministering in Gotham.

Fancy a Holiday? Got no money? Try stabbing someone!

2008-03-24T04:26:00.000-07:00

Or, if that's a little too strong for you, how about a little petty theft?*

Very interesting article in today's Sun:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/justice/article946362.ece

Now, whilst the Bishop doesn't really like the Sun much - it tends towards the simplistic, although not so much as the Mirror - he does approve of their view about prisons: a small number of criminals commit the vast majority of crimes, ergo locking up criminals prevents crime, as they aren't in the 'community'** to commit more crimes.

But, of course, the flaw in that logic is that prisons are not exactly unpleasant places to be, as the article suggests. This reinforces the story that my friend who runs the local Chippie told me last week, about his friend who is 'inside' for a little 'drunk and disorderly' - astonishing that anyone could be locked up for that these days: must have been really unlucky with the magistrate he got that day :) - and phoned him from his mobile phone to tell him what fun he has been having playing Playstation and the odd game of football with the other inmates.

Jack Straw says that it is unpleasant having a toilet in the corner of a room that you can't leave. To the Bishop, however, it sounds like a "young person's" dream - they never have to leave their room (sounds like a typical teenager to me...), get meals brought to them (better than Mum's! And they're unlikely to be forced to eat vegetables...), and can continue to play their favourite (violent) video game or watch the football on Sky even when they are on the shitter...

*Of course, this wouldn't actually get you a prison sentence in England. If you aren't capable of violence, may I suggest a homophobic insult, or a suggestion that Islam might not be a very nice religion? Should get you life without parole...

** I would be grateful if anyone could tell me where the fashion for talking about 'community' (worse than 'society' - the Bishop is a fan of Hayek) came from. All too PC for my taste...

Primary Madness

2008-03-23T05:06:00.000-07:00

A neighbour of mine told me this story the other day - may sound apochryphal, but anyway...

Whilst watching his son play football for a local team, he got talking to another parent who teaches at a local primary school (in Chav-ville, an inner suburb of Gotham, where the Bishop ministers). This teacher told him about the tradition at the school of putting on a musical every year. This year, however, it has been cancelled... Moreover, teaching staff have been instructed, on pain of some kind of Koranic punishment (have you guessed what it is yet?*... :)), to say nothing to anyone outside the school about it.

"Why?", I hear you ask. Local health and safety worried about a child falling over and grazing their knee? The risk that some children cannot sing as well as others, and therefore might suffer from injured egos that mean that they will go on to become crazed serial killers? Or perhaps parents mentioning to the Head that, whilst they love their little darlings ever so much, being forced to sit through another fucking school play may lead to the aforementioned Head's home being accidentally machine-gunned and then transformed into a Damien Hurst-esque symbol of Hell?

Errrr.... no (although the Bishop has some sympathy with the latter thought). Parents are not even concerned about Father Jack and some of the other local priests, who seem to take an excessive interest in what I believe are fashionably (and condescendingly) referred to as 'young people' (i.e. children) these days, wanting tickets for every performance.

In fact, a 10 year old trainee Imam (yes, I didn't know that such a thing existed) has declared that such a play would be immoral, on the grounds that it would involve little boys and girls dancing with each other (I kid you not).

Now, the Bishop, being a man of Our Lord (of sorts, at least), is of course worried about children having sex... But, to be honest, in Chav-ville, once the little darlings are 10, they're far more sexually experienced than the average under-age hooker in Fred West's favourite brothel. If nothing else, because they usually have numerous brothers and sisters, as well as 'cousins' and 'uncles'. And the same may be true of some from amongst our Islamic brethren, who apparently are often engaged to their cousins at very young ages (remember that, according to the Koran - hardly an anti-Islamic text - Muhammed consummated his marriage to his favourite wife when she was 9 years old): our Islamist friends are always reminding us of the need to follow Muhammed's every example, as the ultimate role model for perfect human behaviour (like some of the extremist Christian Protestant sects, they do not want to put their Holy Book in the social context in which it was written, and instead take it as literal truth).

Rather than comment any further, however, I will leave you, dear Reader, to contemplate what this sordid story tells us about the wonderful state of Craggy Island and its education system...

*Apologies to Rolf Harris